Why I Was Banned from lavalife. Again!

I couldn't wait to write this! I LOVE! It's chock-filled with deviants, perverts, scammers and lonely married men, perfect source material for my comedy ebook series,  eDating Advice from the Bubbameistah. I got the idea for the first ebook, Men, eDating and Mast*****ion due to persistent and chronic requests from potbellied middle-aged men to watch them pull the 2" pud on webcam.

Anyhow, imagine my surprise eight years ago when I couldn't access my account! I contacted lavalife customer service who informed me that my account was suspended because too many of their highfaluting patrons complained about me.

"Too many complaints?" I repeated.

Yes. Their clients didn't like the fact that I corrected their spelling, grammar and punctuation.

I said, "Wait a minute. You suspended my account because I CORRECTED spelling, grammar and punctuation which OFFENDED these guys? What about what they wrote me: Let me fuck your pussy. I wanna suck your butthole. Watch me jack off to you, baby! Isn't that offensive?"

Get this! Lavalife customer service stated, "There's nothing wrong with what they wrote. Freedom of speech."

I told them, "In the same vein, fuckers, I have the same rights."

Surprisingly, they reinstated my membership with the caveat I no longer correct anyone's grammar, punctuation or spelling. It hurt me, I chafed, but I refrained.

For eight years I paid the steep price of playing on lavalife. All in the name of research! I've seen thousands of penis and masturbation pics, enough to melt my retina. What makes it even more disturbing are not the bad bodies and/or mutant penises, it's the PRIDE that these men have in showing off what should never see light!  (All this is addressed in ebook #3 of eDating Advice from the Bubbameistah series.)

My lavalife account is now a marketing/promotional tool for Men, eDating and Mast*****ion. In my profile, I was very clear that the account was solely to market my ebooks. Even so, very few men read the profile. And I'm constantly contacted for virtual sex. I typically respond with a promo for my ebook and the link.

This afternoon I tried to log in and received notification that my account was deleted. More than likely a few offended souls didn't like the fact that I promoted Men, eDating and Mast*****ion. I guess I should've allowed them to write pornography rife with grammatical and spelling errors. Or perhaps watched a beer-bellied no-necked mongrel masturbate and ejaculate on top of his desk.

I just sent an email to lavalife and will let you know what happens!

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This is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.


nicholasross said...

Take being banned from lavalife as a badge of honour. I was a member many years ago. Trust me, it's not much better for guys (though the problem has more to do with women lying about their age or appearance or their smoking, drug, drinking habits). Also, I am 100% convinced that some of the profiles are flat out faked by LL itself to draw suckers in.

maura stone said...

Whoa! Makes me wonder what kind of people work at lavalife!! Say, you should really read my ebooks about online dating, in particular, "eWomen are Lunatics." You might have met some of these women while on lavalife!