For a Woman Who Doesn't Get Around, I Get Around

For a woman who doesn't get around, I get around. I'm mostly home-bound because of my weirdo neurological deafness. Even so, I'm like a magnet and attract countless men, situations and drama without ever leaving my deck.

The last major duty drama circled around Apple and the defective 11" Macbook Air I purchased with non-defective money up front. There was no fucking way I'd voluntarily jump into my car to drive 1 1/2 hours one way to the nearest Apple store for a repair because they sold me defective merchandise. Instead, I made them use FedEx.

They had to send me a special box with foamy material to lessen the impact of the FedEx delivery. What I didn't take into account was that I had to pay a $25 pick-up fee once I received the box. "Fuck," I yelped because the nearest FedEx drop-off boxes were 15 miles away in both directions. Besides the cost of gas, I'm too lazy to shlep for 30 miles to toss a box into a metal box.

Instead, I got creative.

Luckily, I met the FedEx guy dedicated to my area at my girlfriend's cafe/bakery, The Bake House a few times over the winter when he dropped off packages. This past spring he dropped one off at my place while I was mowing the lawn.

"I hate Sullivan County," he informed me.

"Why? Aren't you from Orange?" I asked. Orange County was 60 miles away.

"Yeah, but at least there we've paved roads," he responded.

He had a point.

I was home when he delivered the box from Apple. It was a brutally hot day and I just emerged from swimming naked. Towel wrapped around me, I asked, "Say, can you wait a second while I put the computer inside to bring it back to the FedEx office?"

Hesitantly, he said, "That's not my department. They use another service, the Express one that'll be closed by the time I return. I won't get to it until tomorrow."

"That's okay." He looked broiling. Inspiration struck. "Say, do you want to jump in the lake? You can wear your underpants. I normally swim naked."

He stared at the water only ten feet away. I cajoled, "Listen, I've towels and no one's around. Cool off. When you're done swimming, you can dry off and get dressed in the house."

He stared at me. I can see him evaluating the situation. "Sure," he said and stripped down.

Quickly, he wrapped a towel around his waist before I could sneak a peak at his crotch and we walked to my dock. I quickly dropped mine to walk into the water. He did likewise although he squatted down immediately. We swam a bit, dunked a bit more and generally hung out.

I wouldn't let him get near me. Because all I wanted was a little companionship in the lake. He had a curious look as if he expected me to grab at his dick or beg for sex.

When we left the lake, I checked out his appendage. Nice, I thought.

He rapidly got dressed and left, my package in his hand.

The next day I received a telephone call. "Who is this?" I inquired after a man said, "Hi, this is Eric."

I heard a sigh. "The FedEx guy. Just wanted to let you know I gave your package to the Express service. It'll be shipped out today."

"Why, thank you, Eric," I responded. Then I heard silence. "Listen, I hate to be rude, but I'm in the midst of writing so take care."

Later that day, I told my girlfriend, Jane, what I did. She laughed. "I believe he thought I wanted sex or something. All I wanted was company and to save me from shlepping into town."

The following week another FedEx agent dropped off the repaired Macbook. She was perturbed because I was in the shower and didn't hear her hammering at the door. When I emerged, walking through the living room, soaking wet in a towel, I spotted her through the front door.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting," I said. My actual thought was that I must have some reputation at the Newburgh FedEx office for constantly being naked. "Anyhow, even if I weren't in the shower, I wouldn't have heard you knocking for a while due to my strange deafness." Looking askance at me, she left in a flash.

Imagine my surprise a few hours later when my Macbook Air had new problems. In the process of replacing the defective hard drive, they broke the keyboard. Apple said, "We have to send out another box!"

"But I've the one here."

"No, we need to put in a new order and that's why you need a new box."

Two days later, I returned home from mountain biking to see the FedEx Apple box propped against my door. An hour later, Eric phoned. "I saw your car, but not you."

"I went mountain biking."

"Oh, if you want, I'll drop by. I've an early day and will pick up the computer on my way home."


Within moments he came over, this time staring wistfully at the lake. "Do you want to go swimming?" I asked him. He noticed I wore a summer dress.

"Are you?"

"Nah," I said. "I jumped in the lake right before you called."

"I don't want to go in alone," he informed me.

"Okay, I'll join you," I said and we both stripped naked and walked into the lake. This time, though, he was aggressive. He kept swimming over to me and I kept swimming away like a repelling magnet. Yes, the man's handsome with a great body and a big dick. But I'm not interested. Just because I like sweets doesn't mean I'm going to eat a sweet every time it's offered to me.

Stymied, he said, "Okay, that's enough." We both left the lake and sat at my deck with towels wrapped around us. Not knowing what to say, I read him my short story, "Cock Tease" published on the hottest online magazine, He laughed. Then he proceeded to tell me a bit about his sex life and showed me his cock.

"Lovely," I said, "you're very well endowed."

We had a clinically cold conversation about sex. It was nice sitting there on the deck, watching the sunlight.

He asked, "By the way, did you tell Jane about us swimming naked?"

"Yeah, she's cool."

"I knew it! She didn't say a thing, but she had a smile on her face."

"There's nothing to say. I told her you're well endowed."

He smiled.

Finally, he got up and got dressed.

"Don't forget the Macbook," I said as I handed it over to him. The following day, he phoned me again to let me know he made sure it went to the Express side of FedEx.

I tweeted about the exemplary and personalized service I received from FedEx. The naked swimming I blamed on Apple. If they didn't sell defective merchandise, I wouldn't be flaunting my aging naked flesh to a young guy to save a few bucks and inconvenience of driving.

Several weeks passed. I was at the back of The Bake House taking pictures of Jane doing intricate icing on a birthday cake when suddenly the girl at the counter called my name. Of course, I didn't hear a thing. Jane said, "You've a visitor."

"Here?" I inquired.

I turned around and saw the FedEx guy. Walking up to him at the front of the cafe/bakery, I said, "Hi. You've a package for Jane?"

"No," he said. "I was driving by and saw your car so thought I'd come in and say hello."

"Jane," I yelled at the back, "this is my swimming partner." She smiled as he did.

We exchanged a few niceties and that was it. There's not much more to the story... for now. At least I got the last laugh. I saved $50.

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This blog and all its posts are a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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