The Dubious Honor of Reviewing a Few Pages - WITH PS UPDATE

I've met lots of fascinating people on twitter. For the most part, they're really cool. Then, you got others...

Yesterday, I was labeled temporarily an anti-semite because the person didn't read my article published in the hottest and trendiest emagazine {no longer in existence} and went strictly by the title: "It's True What They Say About Jews." It created a feeding frenzy. Flustered and aghast at this, I didn't know what to do. Only after I tweeted, "People will read hatred into anything," she relented. More than likely because she read the article. She even followed me.

Those interactions threw open doors to a whole new world for me with the addition of new and diverse followers. Funny enough, I'm followed by anti-Semites, pro-Israel, Republicans, Democrats and the lunatic fringe. Kinda resembles my life outside of twitter except those people know where I live.

In the midst of this, a guy contacted me, using the "We're both Jews" card. He wanted me to give him a 5 Star rating of his 65 page ebook based on the first three pages that could be read on the look-see kindle function. In return, he'll tweet my review. I'm eager to help people out even though I didn't understand what good that'll do for me other than having my name bandied around the web extolling the virtue of his ebook. Yes, I'm mercenary as well and learned the hard way, "What's in it for me?" Curious, I gave him my email address and this is what he sent:

Find time to review my book Maura, and, I'll spin the promotional tweets out for you tomorrow, make sure you have your @TwitterName at the top of the review!

You only have to read the prologue to see how wonderfully brilliant and delectable the book is, click onto the top corner and open the book up, you can read the aforementioned for #FREE, you don't have to buy it!!! ;0) Don't worry It's going to be a blockbuster, and, we'll make a film with the dollars it generates... 

Needless to say, I was taken aback with the content of that email. After reading the first few pages on kindle, I groaned. I can't write any review based on that. Also, I know that my opening chapters in Five-Star weren't reflective of the rest of the novel and wanted to give him a fair shake, especially since he's a first time author. I sent him my response:

Thanks so much, my friend. But here's the thing: I need to read the entire book to give an honest assessment. Really. Yeah, I'm that much of a schmuck. 

Might I be impertinent enough to impart some solid advice author to author that some best-selling writers gave me when I embarked on this perilous journey? I don't know publishing in the UK, but in the US, you need to get some solid credentials through real literary critics. Then you can piggy-back with author comments. Within 3 months of publishing my first novel, I was honored to receive rave reviews from top literary critics in the US. I also suggest submission into the ABNA contest as well as several others that are credible. I came in top 20% of ABNA & won a nat'l book award which set the stamp of approval that I write quality fiction. (Hey, I can brag along with the rest of the bullshitters!)

However, sales are a totally different ball game. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink.


Having sent that email, I felt confident enough he got my subtle hint. He didn't.

A Good Morning, Warm Greetings, and, hello Maura,

did your father never teach you to always bet on a win win situation? :0)

Sorry to hear that it took you a whole 3 months to get solid credentials from literary critics, 

...only took me one day Lol

That should have been your review at the top. Soon as you're ready to write a review I'll put it to the top and begin promoting you and your @twittername to millions :0)

You see my extremely intelligent and witty friend I absolutely love the bell ringing on my till every time cash gets put into it! :0)

And, I already have two film companies lined up to turn the book into a film, both XXXXX and XXXXX are good friends of mine,

Check out XXXXXX - you'll be amazed to learn that his father worked with all the hollywood greats, 
and the whole family owns a film company each, including his sister who's based in New York City.

A good writer should thoroughly research a subject before committing pen to paper.

I look forward to reading your review, it needs a 5 star rating now to get to the top of the pile :0)

Have a wonderful fabulous fantastic day!



I'm a huge schmuck, too.

But note if you check the twitter hashtags #Kindle & #Amazon you'll see a couple of top tweets this schmuck's got! :0)

The book is absolutely brilliant:~

The title is an embellishment of Christopher Marlowe's motto ~ I did a 10 year, 500,000 word dissertation for the Calvin and Rose: G.Hoffman Memorial Prize for Distinguished Publications on Christopher Marlowe:~ examining the life and works of Christopher Marlowe and the relationship between the works of Marlowe and Shakespeare.

So you see my friend after covering all the classics from Francesco Petrach, Niccolo Machiavelli right through to the parnassus of all the great poets, I'm most probably the greatest critic you're ever likely to come across :0)

Reading that, the back of my head blew up. His arrogance insulted me beyond belief. Who the fuck does this moron think he is? The least he could've done was flatter me, coddle me or even purchase one of my mini-ebooks and state how much he enjoys my work. Nope. For a few fucking tweets, I'd roll over and expose my belly? Ha. 

Furthermore, who the hell writes shit like that about their own work to strangers without anything to support it? I said shit like that to my three friends who know my past accomplishments. Even so, they still thought I was a lunatic until things happened precisely the way I predicted. All I can say is: if it's that fucking brilliant, why am I getting the hard sell? 

In a discussion about this with a friend, she said, "Write a review of how you honestly feel about the few pages you read." 

I told her, "I can't do that." What I fear most from guys like that is retaliation. I know firsthand how I'd feel should I get a shitty review. 

A year and a half ago, I did a giveaway through where I had to send hard copies to the five winners the company selected. Before I mailed the book out, I received the worst review from one of the winners which stopped me in my tracks. How could she read my book before she got it? It was based on the first chapters through the mini-download I provided. Not only that, it was the best written review I ever received, scathing to the very core. It eviscerated me.

I emailed and notified them that the review came out prior to having sent out the book. "It's not fair," I wrote. "Kindly remove it." 

They said they wouldn't. I seethed. There was nothing I could do. I had to chalk it up to experience and move on. Something told me this guy would do far more than that - he's on twitter. He has tons of followers. He, at least, can retaliate. And then some. With his ego, I can easily foresee him being a vindictive son of a bitch, unaccustomed to criticism and rejection.

I sent out the following email:

Thanks so much, but I'll pass. You've got all your bases covered with your awards and connections. I wish you much success.


Mom always said it takes all kinds. Why do I continue to attract them?

# # #

PS: Well, that author's scam's working! He got 15 numbskulls to date to write fictional reviews & he's getting sales. Now, I should do the same, but for the matter of my integrity. Damn, that always gets in the way.

This blog and all its posts are a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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