Because of Apple, I had Sex with the FedEx Guy

A little recap for new readers to this blog: I've written numerous posts about my Apple encounters that verge on insanity. And the incidents pile up, dragging and pulling other people and companies into the major vortex of Apple-land sucking us further and further into the core where no one emerges unscathed.

The only gleam throughout my Apple ordeal has been the acquaintance of my dedicated FedEx driver who drops off the Apple boxes so that I can put my Macbook Air 11" inside for transport to their repair center. I live in the boondocks which necessitates someone familiar with our dirt roads. They assigned a young, handsome and hung man. To date, I've cajoled him into two nude swims so he'd take the Apple box back with him to the FedEx hub 65 miles away and save me $25 from pick-up. So far, I've $75 in savings.

On Monday, my driver's day off, another FedEx driver dropped off a damaged box which I blogged about. Today, late afternoon, my FedEx driver brought a pristine box in order to place my defective and damaged Macbook Air 11" inside.

He came up on the deck. Right at that moment, I received a text from my girlfriend, Jane who spotted him in town and wanted to give me advance warning. I'm neurologically deaf and don't like to be startled by unannounced visitors. Sadly, her text came too late.

I got up and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I pointed to the chair next to me and he placed the box on my deck table before sitting down.

"Yes, it's the 5th repair," I informed him. "Would you like some water?"

"Please," he said. "I'm surprised to see you're wearing clothes."

After I served him, we both sat down and looked at the lake which was chock full of boaters. "There's that," I nodded, and added, "Also, I've been in a lot of pain over the past week with my back. It's from my left kidney."

My gastrointestinal doctor ordered a sonogram to make sure I didn't have gall bladder stones. When I went neurologically deaf 2/11, the drs gave me steroids. We didn't know until then I was allergic to them. They caused all sorts of bad reactions and gave me a serious case of GERD where I believed several times that I was having a heart attack. I don't want to go yet for the 'scope so this dr recommended a sonogram based on his assessment.

"You have gall stones," he informed me.

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Statistics. First off, you're a woman, you're over 50, you have to drop weight and you had kids."

"Hold your horses, doc," I responded. "That's the most bogus stats." I didn't bother to tell him I worked for 30 years on Wall Street dealing with quantitative analysis. "I'm only 15lbs overweight from skinny and I never had kids."

"You're 3 out of 4," he smugly responded.

He ordered a sonogram of my gall bladder. Now, I've been on a mountain biking kick where I bike 10 miles a day every day for the past month or so missing only 3 days in total. Suddenly, my back started hurting me again. Over the past two years my back went out five or six times when I ended up exploring horizontal for a week at a clip. This time, I felt like someone pummeled me - the pain didn't fell me, it was simply agonizing.

I watched the screen during the sonogram and when it came time for the left kidney, I saw something that winked and gave me the fist. "What the hell is that?" I said to the technician who charted it for the doctor.

"Don't know, that's up to the radiologist," she said.

The pressure of the utensil she used for the sonogram bothered me. I shuffled out of that office and spent the ensuing week in horrible pain. During this time, the gastrointestinal doctor phoned me, "You've several small, simple renal cysts which are usual for your age. But you've this other," and I forgot the word he used, "which we recommend you visit with a urologist for further testing."

They helped me with scheduling the appointment. There I sat, wincing in pain, talking to my dedicated FedEx guy. "I hope this anomaly doesn't mean cancer," I said.

We put my Macbook in the box which he taped up. Then he distracted me with some topics, trying to take my mind off my medical woes.

"Funny thing," he informed me, "I caught a woman sunbathing topless around 20 miles away today."

"Lucky you," I said.

"And then, the other day, I saw a girl nude."

"I guess I'm your lucky charm. I started a trend and now everyone's nude for you."

He looked at me, "I thought the first time we swam together naked, you were going to make a pass at me."

I laughed. "No, I'm kinda quirky that way. All I wanted was some companionship in the lake." I didn't have the heart to tell him how I used him to save money from FedEx pick-up charges. Although I can be a self-serving cold-hearted bitch, I do have my moments of kindness.

Then, I showed him some pictures on my cellphone. He took the phone and checked out others. "Wait a minute," I said and took the cellphone from him. "I got some nude ones on there."

He gave me a funny look. "I've seen you naked."

Realizing he had a point, I let him look at the photos until he found one particular video. "Oh no, give that back to me," I said.

"Now I got a hard on," he said, shoving the monster that poked out of his pants. It was huge. He gave me those puppy dog eyes and whined about erections, horniness and the fact that I was clothed.

I thought, "Why not? If anything, it'll shut him up. Hell, it may be the last time for a while before I have sex again."

Looking at him, I said, "Wanna come inside?"

Afterwards, I had several epiphanies:

  1. Having sex with a bad back doesn't help the bad back. It was a strange combination of pain and pleasure. 
  2. Swimming nude was a good prelude, eliminating any sort of awkwardness. From now on, I'm going to do this first with any potential future lover.
  3. Comparing sex with the last lover is healthy. I forgot how much fun sex can be with someone who is sane, attracted to me and just there to enjoy. Unlike the times with the ex-bf, my body reacted and responded openly and happily.
  4. At one point, he said, "Cum for me." I responded, "I cum for me, not for you." I thought that was very funny.
  5. I really don't listen to what men say. Thankfully.

While he got dressed, I said, "This was a good idea. You don't have to worry, I'm too old to be a stalker."

He laughed. "Well, you are crazy."

Offended, I walked out of the house and on the deck. He joined me and we sat back down. He said, "Only twenty minutes," as we watched the boats zooming by. This time I listened to his chatter and realized either he was very stupid or very immature. 

"How old are you again?"


"Shit," I thought, "that explains the stupid conversation." To him, "You do realize I'm thirty years older than you?" And reflected, "And who's the crazy one here?"

"I'm still working," he said and got up. 

I handed over the box that now contained my Macbook Air 11". "Well, thank you for, well, you know."

He looked into my face. "Do me a favor and please don't go into detail in your blog." 

I laughed in response. 

He turned around before walking up my path. Pointing at the box, he said, "You know, they really should just give you a damn new one."

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This blog and all its posts are a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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