Merrill Lynch -> Do You REALLY Need $188 THAT MUCH???

I spent the majority of the day today dealing with Merrill Lynch. All I wanted to do was close down a trust account which I had since 2002 when my mother died. There's only a paltry $188 of cash and a miniscule CMO they wouldn't let me sell a decade earlier. Why? I don't recall.

When the trust account opened, I submitted all the documentation INCLUDING my mother's death certificate otherwise I would never have been able to have access to the account. Over the years the small account was siphoned off to this tiny amount.

Today, I got an email from Merrill Lynch. It was exciting to receive an email from Merrill Lynch, considering I haven't received paper mail from Merrill in four years. That's because they never bothered to update my account the eighteen times I called. As a result, all mail continues to be sent to my former address. I can deal with that.

What I can't deal with is their refusal to give me the $188. According to the geniuses at Merrill Lynch, they have no record of my mother's death certificate.

Mind you, Merrill Lynch is now run by Bank of America, the corrupt institution that tried to screw me over by 'losing' the proprietary lease in 2009 to my co-op apartment and refusing to cooperate for a replacement. They cost me thousands of dollars of legal fees and a severe reduction in market price of my co-op. I'll always resent those motherfuckers and took it personal, all right. But I got the last laugh, of sorts. It's not right to fuck with an author. Especially one with internet access. None of those motherfuckers in that department have a job today. You're welcome!

This time, I'm not taking it personal. I know that the only incompetent and consistently fucked up institution in the entire US is Bank of America. They prove it each and every time.

"Shit," I yelped in today's thirteenth phone call with the Merrill Lynch representatives. Times like this I'm grateful in not having a job. Because if I did have one, I'd be fired, having spent nearly 3 hours on the phone with Merrill Lynch to get my $188!

Not to mention the auditory impact that 3 hours on the phone has on me! That nearly killed me as well. Exasperated, I shrieked, "It's a fucking $188! How do you explain taking money out over the years from that account when you purportedly never received the death certificate?"

Which led me to wonder: was Merrill always fucking incompetent? Or did they descend to the bowels of incompetency apres the Bank of America acquisition?

This is why America's going to the dogs. Instead of getting balls to murder off anyone with an iota of intelligence the way the Khmer Rouge did in Cambodia, the powers that really run this country's doing it in a subtle way: ECONOMIC GENOCIDE of anyone possessing a mind.

That must explain why it's almost impossible to get $188 out of an account from Merrill Lynch. Their people are fucking brain dead. That must explain 3/4 of the gross incompetency and ineptitude going on in America today.

I resent it all, especially the fact that those morons have jobs! The way this economy's going and the way this country pisses on their small business owners and entrepreneurs, I see a dismal future. Strangely, the typical American doesn't realize that the majority of companies out there are d/b/as. Small businesses are the fuel to our economy. And when you overburden these businesses and financially penalize them with strangling high taxes, what you're doing is stuffing shit down the throat of the goose who laid those golden eggs.

Don't worry, the same's happening in France, the new communist country. They heavily penalized the small business/entrepreneurs to the point where Canada's offering financial incentives to compel 50,000 French citizens to immigrate. I wonder whether Canada has financial incentives for impoverished writers? Something I definitely will check out.

In desperation, I phoned Merrill Lynch's Executive Office. "Kindly transfer me to the CEO."

"Duh, who's that?" asked the woman at the switchboard.

"You don't know the name of the person running your company?" I asked, incredulous.

"No. You have to tell me the name so I can transfer you."


I fumed. Someone like that has a job in a country with 23% unemployment. Fuck yeah. 23%. I'm not a moron, I know the REAL numbers. 23 FUCKING percent. Anyhow, I hung up, googled Merrill Lynch & Co. Inc. and got the name, Brian Moynihan. In seconds, I phoned right back and got the same woman.

"Brian Moynihan, please. By the way, he's CEO of your company." Within seconds, she transferred me to an advocate, a pleasant young fellow by the name of Andre.

"First off, I want to know why your operators do NOT know the name of your CEO."

Andre stumbled. "Sorry about that."

"I really want to know. There're over 14 million people who would give their eye teeth to answer fucking phones for Merrill Lynch at half the salary. So why is it YOUR employees do not know the name of your CEO? Don't you find this in the least bit insulting?"

Actually, I really wonder about things like that. Perhaps I grew old. I simply don't understand why the worst display of customer service and least professionalism has occurred with record unemployment. I've blogged before about these situations: Why the employees at Home Depot don't know where anything's located. Like how employees at a vitamin store mock potential customers. Why there's always drama associated at Starbucks where they charge over $5 for coffee that tastes like burnt shit. And, my nemesis, Apple, for selling defective products. I know, once an Apple products works, it really works. It's the drama associated with getting the fucking thing to work!!

Andre mumbled a half-hearted apology.

"Getting to the point," I informed him, "I want to know why you people refuse to give me my money." I shrieked, "We got a situation here. Your back office claims they don't have a copy of my mother's death certificate. Well, either you do or don't. If you don't, I need to know why you allowed monies to be taken out of this account over 13 years."

Andre good-naturedly responded. "Let me check it out."

It took another hour until Andre told me those famous words, "No can do."

"The thing is, Andre, I need to know the following: (1) Why you allowed money to leave this account without a death certificate; and (2) Why now, when there's only a small amount of money left, you put this regulation in place. I also may retain an attorney because I believe this is an incidence of theft and corruption and glaringly brings to light Merrill Lynch's failure to perform due diligence to protect this account until AFTER almost all the money was gone. One thing it shows is that something highly irregular's going on in this account. And I intend to get to the bottom of it."

Andre rapidly gave me a case number.

My friend phoned me soon thereafter. "Oh, they'll give you your $188."

"I doubt it," I let him know, "They're owned by BANK OF AMERICA!"

"Give me a fucking break," said my friend. "You'll NEVER see that money!"

So, Merrill Lynch. Are you PURPOSEFULLY putting up roadblocks so as not to give me $188? I can't believe any company would go this extent. Then again, you're owned by... Bank of America!

PS: I told you, Andre, I blogged this while we spoke!

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This blog and all its posts are a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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