Why Bother Going to Home Depot When You Can Buy the Same Products for Less on Amazon?

I was video chatting to a friend a few hours ago when a sudden flash of orange outside my glass front door caught me by surprise. As did the 4 octave shriek to my visitor as well as my friend on video chat. To those readers who haven't read my other posts, I'm neurologically deaf or as I like to say, very selective hearing. It's a weird, rare symptom of an underlying terminal illness although the doctors have yet to determine which one I'm purportedly dying from. This shit doesn't exactly occur to just anyone. Hell, they insist I'm in perfect health.

"If I have perfect health, why the hell am I deaf in one ear, going deaf in the other and loaded down with other wacko symptoms like the inability to tolerate sound?"

A perplexing situation to say the least.

At any rate, my girlfriend invited me to go shopping with her at a nearby town approx. 15 miles away. Eager to save gas, I accompanied her. Once at the supermarket, I decided to pick up 3" nails at Home Depot. The nails were necessary to hammer the rigid foam insulation boards into my baseboard. I used the recommended glue and watched the boards separate and fall off.

I dread Home Depot. First, the echo factor where sounds rebound and fill my head with so much noise I can barely hear the two different frequencies of tinnitus from which I suffer. It gets me ill. Trust me, you really don't want to witness me getting ill from sound. It never ends nicely. Hence, I run in and out. I got it timed to 5 minutes tops.

Secondly, nobody working there knows where anything is.

"Where are the nails?" I asked the customer service.

"Aisle 9," she yelled back twice. She witnessed me in action too many times and once had to help me out because I spent too much time inside and turned white as a ghost from the sound. To those of you who think I'm pampering myself: put me in a room where there's noise. Wait a little time. I promise not to regurgitate on your shoes before I faint.

While I scampered down the aisles, another customer service rep came up to me. "Sorry, it's Aisle 13."

I turned back and ran down that aisle. Fortunately, I found the nails. Another Home Depot person stood behind me. "Where's the plastic shields you put on windows to cover them from wind?"

This was my second attempt to purchase that product. The first time, the Paint Dept. told me it was in front of the store. It wasn't. Impatient to run out, I said, "The next time."

This was the next time. The woman said, "Aisle 4. At the far end on the left hand side."

I trotted back nine aisles, ran to the end and lo and behold, it was window products. No plastic shielding. Disgusted, my ears buzzing, I decided, that was it. I knew my time was running out.

On my way to the self-service check-out counter, I spotted another employee. I decided to give it a one last shot. "Where's the window shielding? The plastic you place on windows to protect them from wind?"

"How the hell would I know?" he said.

"You work here!" I yelled.

"We got over 35,000 products. Why don't you ask the Paint Dept.?" Before I could say a word, he said, "Why don't you do research online to find out where it is in the store? Why not purchase it online?"

That stopped me in my tracks. I wondered, why did I have to research a product's location prior to going to the store? That's why I was IN the fucking store.

No matter. Home Depot's not interested in me as a customer now or in the future. I'm looking at indoor window insulation kits online at Thanks Home Depot! I saved myself $10!!

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This blog and its posts are a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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