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Reality Bites

This is what happens when you eat cookies 1 year past the expiration date while adding peanut butter to disguise the taste. Peanut butter which was sabotaged by the inclusion of lemon juice. Go figure.

Even though it looks like the end of the world outside with my property under a layer of frozen water, it's not.

That means I shaved my legs in vain. And now I've no excuse, but to pay my bills.

Moving along, my latest complaint is that people don't believe a word I say. Or, worse, people believe what I write in my BLOG, yet discount every word that I utter!

Let's take the first complaint: people really don't believe a word I say or they question what I have to say as if my brains oozed out of my ears when I became an author. Let me recap a few situations that took place over, say, the last two months:

NYSEG Worker in front of my property: "Oh, so you do have a fallen tree on top of your house."

Doctor pre-surgery: "Your pulse is very feeble. Didn't you discuss this with your cardiologist?"

Another Doctor: "Don't you find that incredibly painful?"

Friend: "You made all of this up, right?"

Electrician: "You do realize that this is an extremely dangerous situation, right?"

Acquaintance: "So the fact that you've a rare symptom where you can't abide any sound or noise explains why you live in total reclusion! Did you think of working in telemarketing? How about returning to your job on Wall Street in a trading room with heavy phoning?"

Auto mechanic: "Glad you drove all the way here when the Check Engine light came on because something's wrong with your car."

Friend: "What do you mean you can't go to a rock concert? I GOT US FRONT ROW SEATS!"
Moments later, Friend: "You're neurologically deaf? Why didn't you tell me this up front before I purchased the tickets as a gift?"
Moments later, Friend: "You've been this way for almost two years? Why didn't you tell me?"
Moments later, Friend: "Oh, you have that? That's nothing! I've the SAME thing as you have."

Another Friend: "Oh, I've the SAME thing as you have."

An Acquaintance: "Oh, I've the SAME thing as you have."

Someone on Twitter: "Oh, I've the SAME THING as you have."

Someone on FB: "Oh, I've the SAME THING as you have."

Oh boy. Don't get me started. Although I'm grateful to meet the 500 other people in the US who share my rare neurological deafness that arose from a seizure when my inner ear nerve died. I believe we should get the government involved to find out why the majority of these people live around the same rural agri-community. Kinda like a cancer cluster, don't you think? I don't feel so alone anymore. {sarcasm}

Back on topic: The distinction between my reality and my virtual world has now blurred.

That came out when I blogged about neighbors. Neighbor blogs are real crowd pleasers for, like assholes, everyone has one. Especially concerning unlikeable neighbors. As a writer, imbuing descriptions of neighbors with characteristics from those for the past 30 years living in 15 different apartment buildings in the US and overseas, 20 houses in the US and overseas, I created a type of character that embodies the "Best Of" the WORST neighbors anyone ever had. Minus the real bad stuff. That's reserved for my books.

Imagine my shock when a 'neighbor' approached me and informed me of a potential lawsuit for libel and defamation of character. FOR WHAT? I shrieked when I read the email.

After I calmed down, I found it hysterical. Because I threw every kind of shit I can create into my blog postings to build a Frankenstone neighbor monster. Having nothing to say outside of my disclaimers and the fact that I'm a fiction writer, I ignored the emails.

That didn't thwart this guy. With the unerring sense of a bloodhound on the scent with the tenacity of a pit bull ready to feast on imaginary money I don't have for suing me over a frankenstone fictional character, he kept up with his batshit crazy threat.

The only thing he succeeded in doing is reveal to me his low self-esteem. If this is how he views himself, wow! is all I can say. Or, as a real neighbor said to me upon reading the curious emails I received, "When will this wackjob realize the world doesn't revolve around him?"

So, when he went underground, no doubt plotting other ways to ruin me, a hobby many lunatics harbor about me, another strange occurrence bubbled to the surface from underground where it stewed among the seething, roiling morass of life:

It came to my attention recently that people who I haven't heard from in a long while have been following my life via my blog posts. Yes, it gives them a bird's eye view of what I'm up to or against. But, man, a lot of it is, well, FICTION!!!

A lot of it seems to center around my dedicated FedEx driver.

oh boy

Even my ex-beau asked me about the FedEx guy. This was while we were in a relationship up to two weeks ago as of this posting day. That's when I broke up with him via text message, a cardinal sin where I may have to repent for eternity now that the Mayan calendar end of the world prophesy turned into a hoax.

"Are you still seeing the FedEx guy? When was the last time you saw him?"

While this question occurred over video chat, not by text or IM or even by phone, he got to watch me react. And how, did I react!

I giggled. Then, I couldn't meet his virtual eyes and roared. For, how do you react to something fictional? The fiction became fact. My breath was taken away. So, I responded, "Yeah, I've seen him around." The truth.

Yet, my aversion to add anything more led my ex-beau to believe I lied. For, how can I defend myself from fiction?

Then again, my reality is so bizarre, it really does read like fiction. Take, for example, my two friends since childhood. The husband I've known since I was 11, the wife, since I was 16. They know ALL about where the bodies are buried. They've known for YEARS the crazy-ass stories - hell, they MET the people involved!!

I felt blindsided the last time we got together. "What's going on with that FedEx guy?" Turns out, they, as well, read my blog.

Right there and then, I felt reality shift and blur and boundaries evaporate.

Which got me to thinking. Yes, here we go again!

Since people don't believe me when I state a fact that's proven to be a fact, yet they believe a blog which is written as entertainment, well...

Perhaps, if I create a fictional life of being a famous, wealthy author, that would occur? Food for thought:






<--- Award-winning, FAMOUS and WEALTHY author, Maura Stone, attending private party August 2012 after mountain biking 10 miles in the heat.



Tons of fans await her in the next room, eager for her signature on the only book she published in soft cover: Five-Star FLEECING, the award-winning, best-selling comedy novel that's taught in several universities overseas, still available on amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.


Check out my byline: it used to be "Rantings, ravings, bullshit and blah blah blah." See the difference?

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PS: The FedEx guy must've read this post. He's at the parking lot and not too clearly happy. 

Ah, a tangled web we weave.........













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