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New Year's Resolutions





With 2012 coming to a close, I reviewed the list prepared in 2011 and compared it to the events that occurred over the past year. Surprisingly, I achieved a lot of my goals.

Kiss - Keep it Simple, Schmuck Hit 15,000 Readers!! WooHoo!








Reality Bites

This is what happens when you eat cookies 1 year past the expiration date while adding peanut butter to disguise the taste. Peanut butter which was sabotaged by the inclusion of lemon juice. Go figure.

INFOMERCIAL TIME





Hey - not everything in life is free. Someone has to pay for the donuts. 

And You Wonder Why I'm Not A Happy Camper???







Two months after Hurricane Sandy, an electrician arrived at my house to make repairs. First off, forget about getting anyone sooner than that! Business is a-booming due to the destructive force of that hurricane, even in my small neck of the woods. Which was reflected the past two weeks or so when I was stood up by 4 different electrical contracting companies. I won't even go into the licensed and insured construction contractors who fail to show up as well!

Remembrance of Things Past




“Remembrance of Things Past”
by Maura Stone


I read somewhere that certain people are magnets for ghosts and ghostly events. That’s true; I know firsthand.

Welcome to the Snake-Pit





Mom always said that if you're thrown in a snake-pit, you'll find out how sane you are. Well, she said something to that effect. She referred to a movie, The Snake-Pit, where a woman finds herself in an insane asylum, not knowing why or how she got there.

My mother had very pithy sayings with some very strange tastes. The only book she loved was "Dry Guillotine." I searched high and low for that book at least a decade. When I found and read it, a book about Devil's Island penal colony off La Rochelle, France, it made me wonder even more about my mother.

It's Only Facebook/Twitter



While making my bed this morning, I came across a big chip of plastic on my sheets. What is it? ran through my mind. What's THAT doing in my bed? Scratching my head, I couldn't even imagine anything I own which resembles that piece of plastic. Could it be from the washing machine? Dryer? Vibrator? 

My Two Cents in Face of the End of the Mayan Calendar - UPDATE




When I was a little girl, my parents taught me a family joke, a mix of yiddish and English:


A lady goes into a butcher shop. On the top of the counter was a row of chickens. She picks one up and sniffs it under the fligl (wing), the polka (thigh) and then stuffs her nose in the cavity. Disgusted, she yells to the butcher, "Hey, this chicken stinks!"

He glares at her, "Hey lady, can you pass such a test?"


Really, Now: What the Fuck is Dawson's Creek & Who is James Van Der Beek?




Now I know I live in a parallel universe for I never saw Dawson's Creek. I never even HEARD of Dawson's Creek. Or of this actor, James Van Der Beek. Only through heavy hitting ads for this newish tv show, "Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23," which cracks me up because I don't watch tv, haven't for over 6 years, just internet tv. The fact that I'm bombarded for ads of a tv show on internet tv astounds me. Even more so because this torrential flood of internet tv ads pushing "Don't Trust the B" tv show extols James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek.

A Little Interlude Between Storms

One of the worst phrases people regret hearing from me is, "Let me get you up to speed."

There's a collective groan for it means they're going to be subjected to a few hours of storytelling to get to understand:

(1) Why I was homeless when I returned from India;

(2) How I caught cradle cap; and

(3) Why I was accused of burying a guy's body in the middle of the lake.


The One Who Got Away - Conclusion

Where we left off from "The One Who Got Away - Part Deux" in the previous post:





At the ripe age of 20, Maura met the love of her life after returning from studying in France. 10 months later, she got a job in NYC and moved in with him in a tiny apartment. After one year, she accidentally found his Marriage Certificate which he purposely left in his favorite jacket for a month. Heartbroken, she threw him out. Meanwhile, the company Lothario, Kerry, kept stopping by her desk to chat. Immune to his charms, Maura ignored him. Until he asked her out. 
They dated under a cloak of secrecy because company policy forbade romantic fraternization. When Kerry proposed and Maura declined, he bragged to colleagues that he bedded her. She was reprimanded by the CEO and he, in turn, was sent off to an Australian subsidiary as punishment. After three months, he returned to NYC, quit his job and stuck around trying to get her back. Thwarted, he left America for good.



The One Who Got Away - Part Deux

Where we left off from "The One Who Got Away" in the previous post:





At the ripe age of 20, Maura met the love of her life after returning from studying in France. 10 months later, she got a job in NYC and moved in with him in a tiny apartment. After one year, she accidentally found his Marriage Certificate which he purposely left in his favorite jacket for a month. Heartbroken, she threw him out. Meanwhile, the company Lothario, Kerry, kept stopping by her desk to chat. Immune to his charms, Maura ignored him. Until that fateful day...

The One Who Got Away





Up until her death, my mother insisted that Kerry was the love of my life, the one who got away scot-free, the ship that left the port without me. No matter how many times I said to her, "Mom, what're you talking about? I didn't even like him!" she shot her damn Mona Lisa smile and shook her head wisely.

Maybe I Grew Up After All



Craziness is going down the same road over and over expecting a different result each time. So, within that context I must be crazy. Because I recognize with my now ex-beau that indeed I ran down the same road.

Could It Possibly Be That I'm Growing Up?




Someone told me the UPS code for "Adult" is "A" for signing authority.
"You mean to tell me it's not G?"
"What's a G?" asked that person.
"Grown-up."



At the Bake House in Kauneonga Lake, NY




This ol' chestnut was published August 2012 in The Last Goddess Magazine, now defunct:



“The 7-Grain Challenge”
by Maura Stone


The Bake House at Kauneonga Lake, New York

What's Wrong with Being a Recluse?

After spending three hours at the garage the other morning, the owner came up to me. "We're still waiting for the part to be delivered. Let me drive you home and we'll pick you up before closing."

That was a kind gesture. And a way to save the proprietor's marriage. For his wife worked the front desk and my constant babble in addition to a phone argument with an acquaintance drove her mad.

R I P Pip




My close friend, Michelle, possesses a very large heart. A year ago, she found this stray kitten, took her in and named her, "Pip."