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New Year's Resolutions





With 2012 coming to a close, I reviewed the list prepared in 2011 and compared it to the events that occurred over the past year. Surprisingly, I achieved a lot of my goals.

Kiss - Keep it Simple, Schmuck Hit 15,000 Readers!! WooHoo!








Reality Bites

This is what happens when you eat cookies 1 year past the expiration date while adding peanut butter to disguise the taste. Peanut butter which was sabotaged by the inclusion of lemon juice. Go figure.

INFOMERCIAL TIME





Hey - not everything in life is free. Someone has to pay for the donuts. 

And You Wonder Why I'm Not A Happy Camper???







Two months after Hurricane Sandy, an electrician arrived at my house to make repairs. First off, forget about getting anyone sooner than that! Business is a-booming due to the destructive force of that hurricane, even in my small neck of the woods. Which was reflected the past two weeks or so when I was stood up by 4 different electrical contracting companies. I won't even go into the licensed and insured construction contractors who fail to show up as well!

Remembrance of Things Past




“Remembrance of Things Past”
by Maura Stone


I read somewhere that certain people are magnets for ghosts and ghostly events. That’s true; I know firsthand.

Welcome to the Snake-Pit





Mom always said that if you're thrown in a snake-pit, you'll find out how sane you are. Well, she said something to that effect. She referred to a movie, The Snake-Pit, where a woman finds herself in an insane asylum, not knowing why or how she got there.

My mother had very pithy sayings with some very strange tastes. The only book she loved was "Dry Guillotine." I searched high and low for that book at least a decade. When I found and read it, a book about Devil's Island penal colony off La Rochelle, France, it made me wonder even more about my mother.

It's Only Facebook/Twitter



While making my bed this morning, I came across a big chip of plastic on my sheets. What is it? ran through my mind. What's THAT doing in my bed? Scratching my head, I couldn't even imagine anything I own which resembles that piece of plastic. Could it be from the washing machine? Dryer? Vibrator? 

My Two Cents in Face of the End of the Mayan Calendar - UPDATE




When I was a little girl, my parents taught me a family joke, a mix of yiddish and English:


A lady goes into a butcher shop. On the top of the counter was a row of chickens. She picks one up and sniffs it under the fligl (wing), the polka (thigh) and then stuffs her nose in the cavity. Disgusted, she yells to the butcher, "Hey, this chicken stinks!"

He glares at her, "Hey lady, can you pass such a test?"


Really, Now: What the Fuck is Dawson's Creek & Who is James Van Der Beek?




Now I know I live in a parallel universe for I never saw Dawson's Creek. I never even HEARD of Dawson's Creek. Or of this actor, James Van Der Beek. Only through heavy hitting ads for this newish tv show, "Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23," which cracks me up because I don't watch tv, haven't for over 6 years, just internet tv. The fact that I'm bombarded for ads of a tv show on internet tv astounds me. Even more so because this torrential flood of internet tv ads pushing "Don't Trust the B" tv show extols James Van Der Beek from Dawson's Creek.

A Little Interlude Between Storms

One of the worst phrases people regret hearing from me is, "Let me get you up to speed."

There's a collective groan for it means they're going to be subjected to a few hours of storytelling to get to understand:

(1) Why I was homeless when I returned from India;

(2) How I caught cradle cap; and

(3) Why I was accused of burying a guy's body in the middle of the lake.


THE LAW & ORDER: SVU EPISODE OF MAYBE I GREW UP AFTER ALL BLOG POST





The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.












Olivia discusses a new case with Captain Cragen in his office.




"Sir, this is an unusual case."

She points with her chin at the victim seated outside. He's  a 6' tall, thin white geeky guy with three long pieces of blond hair pasted across his bald head.

She rolls her eyes. "He doesn't want to testify."

The chief scratches his head. "What do you mean he doesn't want to testify? For Christ's sake, he was scammed by a guy who pretended to be a woman. He sent the guy a Macbook Pro laptop, the latest iPad, hundreds of dollars through paypal, one gift certificate for the Body Works -"

"Sir, the perp sent that gift certificate to a friend."

"Well, Olivia, get him talking."

"We can't, sir. He's rather embarrassed. He repeats, 'It's only money, it doesn't mean anything.'"

"Olivia, get to the bottom of it. Without this guy testifying, the perp walks." Cragen shakes his head. "Let your partner talk to him. You gotta find another witness. Without this victim, we've got nothing to tie the perp up with his crime."

__________________________________________________


STATION BREAK:


Law & Order SVU Edition of Maybe I Grew Up After All is Sponsored by:






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______________________________________________


Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program:







Det. Nick Amaro flashes his intense eyes at the cowering man seated behind a desk in the interrogation room. Prior to sitting down across the table, Det. Amaros states, "You know, we all do stupid things at times when we're in love."

The victim laughs. "Oh, I wasn't in love with him."

Det. Amaro gives him a wry smile. "Yet, you spoke to him every night for two months. You spent thousands of dollars on products on him."

"Her," corrects the victim. "She sent me pictures of herself. She was some looker. Gorgeous."

"You do realize she's a he?"

The victim squirms.

"I know how it's like. She sez she's married. She sez she has a boyfriend. She can't phone you or show you her face on video chat. But she watches you. She sez it's okay for you to masturbate. She sez she loves watching you, imagining you pleasing her."

The victim shuts his eyes closed.

"Is this what you fear? That you're possibly gay? Because you masturbated for a woman when in reality you masturbated for a 350lb bearded gay man?"

The victim nods his head rapidly, suppressing tears, red-faced.

"You thought she was a she. How would you know elsewise? She sent you tons of pics."

"But I jacked off to her every night for two months!"

"You wanted to show her your love. Nothing wrong with that. And, not bad considering you're 52, right?"

"Yes, she couldn't get over my stamina," he sadly bragged.

"Listen. As embarrassing as this is, it happens to a lot of men. But, this guy's gonna get away with doing it to others. Unless you help. Your testimony's quite important."

The witness breaks down. "But... but... I haven't stopped."

"WHAT?" cries the detective.

"Ever since the newspapers wrote articles that she's a he, I just can't stop myself from chatting with him. I have to every day. I know he's a man, but it's my heart... I can't help myself. I still masturbate for him."

"One moment," says Det. Amaro before he exits the interrogation room. In moments, he's in the squad room and collars Olivia before ushering her into Captain Cragen's office.






_________________________________________________________


STATION BREAK:

Law & Order SVU Edition of Maybe I Grew Up After All is Sponsored by:



The Book that Exposed Men Posing as Women Online BEFORE the Newspapers: 


The Complete eDating Advice Comedy Series for Men



______________________________________________________



Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program:









"Sir, I don't even know whether we can use this guy's testimony. He still chats to this guy every day, knowing he's a man."

Captain Cragen sighs. "Liv, there must be some way or someone else who can tie this up."

Olivia looks up. "I was thinking, Captain, about that gift certificate, the one the perp gave to someone else..."

"Get on it, Liv. Please find some way to tie this up for the DA's office."


Hours Later in Western New York:


Olivia and Det. Munch sat in a rustic country house with a pretty middle aged woman, Morlita Adams. She flashes them a smile while serving them tea in the large kitchen overlooking a valley.

Munch peers into her face and over-enunciates, "You're deaf!"

The woman smiles again. "Very observant, Detective. Not many people realize that from the beginning. Yes, I've a rare deafness where my brain can't translate the sound it hears. But, how can I help you, detectives? Is it about Phil and Todd?"

Olivia rears up. "What can you tell me about them?"

The woman joins them at the table. Taking a swift sip of tea, she says wistfully, "To preface, the good thing about being deaf is that I'm very much in tune with words and the way people express themselves, considering I spend all my time online writing."

Olivia states, "Wait. You're THE Morlita Adams? The reclusive novelist?"

Morlita nods and peers in Det. Munch's direction. "I can tell in a flash when a guy masquerades as a woman online. It never ceases to amaze me how others can't. Phil and I only had a business relationship. I wrote articles for his magazine where he posed as a woman Editor-in-Chief and, in return, he openly marketed and promoted my books. That's about it in a nutshell."

Olivia asks, "So you didn't know about his scamming activities?"

"I didn't say that. He told me all about his scamming activities. But, Phil's a pathological liar. I couldn't tell truth from fiction or I could discern truth, but I couldn't believe it was the truth! Hell, when he roped in Todd, I encouraged him to take Todd for all his money, for the Macbook, the iPad. Because I honestly didn't know that situation was real. Thought it was another one of Phil's wishful dreams or blends of fantasy. He believed he was smarter than everyone."

Munch asks, "When did you know it was real?"

"Around the time he sent me the gift certificate. He wasn't interested in body products." Both Munch and Olivia exchange glances. "Then, a little while later, Phil sent me a link on his website to a video where I watched Todd masturbate in a men's bathroom, attired in his business suit." Morlita sighs, "Phil wrote, 'He never heard my voice, I never allowed him to see me on the video chat and he's been doing this every night for the past two months. It's all in his head.'"

"Is there anything else you can tell us?"asks Olivia.

The woman shrugs. "Oh boy. Too much. I'll testify to everything. Even the fact that Phil did all his work on the magazine while at his job as a government employee. When Phil was exposed in the newspapers as a man and not as a woman, that's when Todd contacted me."



Hours Later, Late Night in Captain Cragen's Office:






Munch heaves a sigh. "Just when things get wilder and wilder. Our perp, Phil is an online female dominatrix, a gay man who scammed tons of straight men of which only one, Todd, his submissive is willing to testify. But that's only because of this woman, Morlita."

Olivia cut in. "Phil introduced Todd to Morlita online when Morlita needed information on a topic for Phil's magazine. It was also a way to further whatever game he was playing. When the newspapers exposed Phil as a woman, Todd contacted Morlita to determine whether she knew he was a man all along.  Of course she knew, being deaf, relying on Phil's words. One thing led to another and Morlita and Todd video chatted for almost two months. And then he visited her."

Cragen shakes his head, "Unbelievable."

Munch interjected, "Morlita's a nice lady. She felt bad about the guy and the situation. Not only that, the two of them are around the same age and both had a lot of things in common. When Todd visited, they had an intimate relationship. But, Todd refused to drop Phil for Morlita. She gave him an ultimatum; he dropped her for Phil."

Cragen asks, "Then why is he willing to testify?"

"Morlita's been writing articles about the three of them, wild romantic comedies. About how Phil kept contacting her to laugh about how Todd's in love with him and not her.  How Todd prefers masturbating to an empty video cam for Phil rather than share his life with her," states Munch. "She keeps upping the bar because the situation is so outrageous."

Olivia adds, "It's his last ditch attempt to maintain whatever little self-respect he may have."

"Let's bring this to the DA's office and see if we've anything solid here."




_________________________________________________________


STATION BREAK:

Law & Order SVU Edition of Maybe I Grew Up After All is Sponsored by:



The Newest Book that Explains the Whole Fucking Story from Soup to Nuts:

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____________________________________________________



Back to our Regularly Scheduled Program:







In NYC Courtroom:

The jury forewoman stands up. "We believe the defendant, Phillip Egglander, is guilty on all counts of felony."

At the defendant's table, Phil burst out in tears. Behind him, in the spectator's row, Todd shouts out, "I love you, Phil. I'll wait for you!"

Morlita stands up from her seat in the galley and approaches the detectives at the back of the room. "I'm still in shock that Todd prefers his fantasy woman over me, the real deal. When I realized he prefers a life of humiliation, debasement and submission, I knew I had to exit and fast. It makes great entertainment, though."

Olivia and Munch nod.


THE END







______________________________________

To Non-Insiders of the background story, please refer to the following blog posts:

A little Background about an Unscrupulous Lunatic

Maybe I Grew Up After All

The One Who Got Away - Conclusion

Where we left off from "The One Who Got Away - Part Deux" in the previous post:





At the ripe age of 20, Maura met the love of her life after returning from studying in France. 10 months later, she got a job in NYC and moved in with him in a tiny apartment. After one year, she accidentally found his Marriage Certificate which he purposely left in his favorite jacket for a month. Heartbroken, she threw him out. Meanwhile, the company Lothario, Kerry, kept stopping by her desk to chat. Immune to his charms, Maura ignored him. Until he asked her out. 
They dated under a cloak of secrecy because company policy forbade romantic fraternization. When Kerry proposed and Maura declined, he bragged to colleagues that he bedded her. She was reprimanded by the CEO and he, in turn, was sent off to an Australian subsidiary as punishment. After three months, he returned to NYC, quit his job and stuck around trying to get her back. Thwarted, he left America for good.



The One Who Got Away - Part Deux

Where we left off from "The One Who Got Away" in the previous post:





At the ripe age of 20, Maura met the love of her life after returning from studying in France. 10 months later, she got a job in NYC and moved in with him in a tiny apartment. After one year, she accidentally found his Marriage Certificate which he purposely left in his favorite jacket for a month. Heartbroken, she threw him out. Meanwhile, the company Lothario, Kerry, kept stopping by her desk to chat. Immune to his charms, Maura ignored him. Until that fateful day...

The One Who Got Away





Up until her death, my mother insisted that Kerry was the love of my life, the one who got away scot-free, the ship that left the port without me. No matter how many times I said to her, "Mom, what're you talking about? I didn't even like him!" she shot her damn Mona Lisa smile and shook her head wisely.

Maybe I Grew Up After All



Craziness is going down the same road over and over expecting a different result each time. So, within that context I must be crazy. Because I recognize with my now ex-beau that indeed I ran down the same road.

Could It Possibly Be That I'm Growing Up?




Someone told me the UPS code for "Adult" is "A" for signing authority.
"You mean to tell me it's not G?"
"What's a G?" asked that person.
"Grown-up."



At the Bake House in Kauneonga Lake, NY




This ol' chestnut was published August 2012 in The Last Goddess Magazine, now defunct:



“The 7-Grain Challenge”
by Maura Stone


The Bake House at Kauneonga Lake, New York

What's Wrong with Being a Recluse?

After spending three hours at the garage the other morning, the owner came up to me. "We're still waiting for the part to be delivered. Let me drive you home and we'll pick you up before closing."

That was a kind gesture. And a way to save the proprietor's marriage. For his wife worked the front desk and my constant babble in addition to a phone argument with an acquaintance drove her mad.

R I P Pip




My close friend, Michelle, possesses a very large heart. A year ago, she found this stray kitten, took her in and named her, "Pip."