|My Former Profile Pic on FB|
Let's say I survived this Valentine's Day. I should've known it'd end a bust; given my record of hurt and disappointment on this one day geared, according to my friend, Jane, "To make women feel worse." As wonderful as my boyfriend is, he's still a man. 'Nuff said.
I kinda stacked the cards against him anyhow. He couldn't win. No way. Not with what I did around the same time which tilted the planet's axis and made me spit up copious amounts of green pea soup while my head swiveled a mere 360 degrees:
(1) Non-invasive body treatment (a future blog post)
(2) Quit smoking
(3) Started diet to counter effects of quitting smoking so as not to undermine the reason why I did (1)
Of course, I did all three right in time for the most dreaded day of the year, next to my birthday,
Early morning, I'm seated at the kitchen table warily eyeing a squirrel outside. I'm in my pjs, grumpy, in a sour mood for I haven't had a smoke in 3 days, my body's battered and bruised from the non-invasive body treatment and I'm hungry. At 8:30 am prompt, my boyfriend called.
"Happy Valen-" he yawned, "Valen-" he yawned again, "Valentine's Day."
I don't know about you, dear Reader, but little things like this make me want to whittle shivs.
"I can't keep my eyes open," he continued. "Last night I joined the gang for a birthday dinner. The owner of the restaurant knows us so he comped it, but I gave a healthy tip."
"That's nice," I said, wishing I could teleport just to strangle him.
Hours later, I didn't receive any mail, email or packages from him. Considering this is our FIRST Valentine's Day, I was pissed and sent one of my snarky DMs: "Tell me you DIDN'T send me flowers so I can leave the house."
He responded, "You're okay to go."
You had to peel me from the ceiling. I wrote, "Gee, thanks. Do you even like me?"
"Oh, just stop that. OF COURSE I do!"
"Oh, ok, I guess I'll wait for another day to find out. How about Garlic Harvesting Day?"
We went back and forth and then he added, "I really need for you to stop torturing me at work."
So, I jumped into my car and went to my girlfriend's bakery/cafe, The Bake House. There, I railed and lamented, plotting ways to rip his face off. For three hours.
"What part of February 14 didn't he understand?" I wailed. "I'm doomed to disappointment. If he can't remember February 14, then no way will he remember my birthday! Try as I might, I just can't get that promoted on a global basis."
I neglected to point out what he did the previous day. I belong to that select group of people who suffer from short-term memory loss, or what's also known as: What have you done for me lately?
The previous day, he posted publicly on FB our relationship for all his friends, family and co-workers to see, but made sure it was private to anyone else. Until he realized I had my signature profile photo up - damn, I LOVE this pic:
"Can you please remove that rodent pic?" he asked.
"Why? It's the best one I have!" I made the largest compromise in months: within seconds I replaced it with a bad one of me lounging in the sun on the sunroom daybed.
I knew there and then he made a huge leap of faith going public about us. Most guys do NOT want it known on the internet that they're in relationships, let alone married for 30 years with grand-kids. It's a total cock-block. To go out on a limb like this, the day BEFORE Valentine's Day was lovely. It showed emotional attachment and commitment in a finite way.
Yet, I still wanted a frigging gift, a token of his emotional attachment that didn't entail sitting at a computer. I wanted him to take the time to go to a store and select something for me that he knew I wanted. Nothing expensive. It's the ACT. Hell, I posted shopping lists on FB so there's no stretch of the imagination.
Let's say we went at it through DM, chat and text. It got brutal. He stated he had the PERFECT gift for me, but because I had the temerity to want it on Valentine's Day and made a Federal Case out of it, he wasn't giving it to me.
In translation: he didn't do jack shit.
I told him he can save it for the following year as if I were going to stick it out after this fiasco. To appease me, he did the worst thing anyone can do: he sent an email with a copy of a receipt of a Macy's gift ecard. I wanted him to go to a STORE and not to take this backseat approach.
"Let me know when you receive the email from Macy's," he wrote.
"Thanks, but is this the PERSONAL gift you spent time planning for me?" I snidely wrote back which opened the gates to who could out-snark the other. I won when he said, "Please stop. I'll call you after work."
Right after he left his office, he phoned. "I can only attribute your attitude to nicotine withdrawal," he said while I gave the finishing touches to my 5th shiv made from his toothbrushes.
"And nothing to do with the fact that you FORGOT Valentine's Day?" I said, hurt to the core. "Did you even read my blog post about it?"
He knew I was upset that he dropped the ball. He also knew I would go to the grave reminding him of this incident.
The following morning, I woke up and checked my email. Still, no Macy's ecard. I sent him a DM and he informed me they notified him about an error on their side.
In essence, I didn't receive a THING, not a card, ecard, flowers, NOTHING for Valentine's Day.
Just now, I checked FB to make sure he still had the post up about us being in a relationship. I'm putting the rodent pic back up. It ain't coming down until Valentine's Day 2014.
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