I'm on a precipice where my future's mapped out in front of me, my choices clear and distinct. Should I follow my heart, I will suffer. And if I don't, I shall suffer. Either way, it ain't gonna be pretty.
A long time ago I had a friend who was called a "Shit detector." She had this inordinate knack of detecting when people hid the truth. With the unerring scent of a ferret, she'd unearth from that person what really was going on.
I'm a bit like that: I can detect when things are covered up or truths not expressed. It drives me crazy, especially in a relationship. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe in sharing in a relationship. Even more so, decisions should be fleshed out together as the results impact two people, not one.
As many of you repeat offenders of my blog are aware, I'm in a relationship with a guy I adore. It hasn't been easy, given the distance. But when I'm with him or when we're videochatting, it's M A G I C. I'm talking about two people so entirely in sync and comfortable with each other the time spent together is terrific, gratifying, fun and rewarding.
Until the shit detector kicks in.
I can tell when he hides something. The very molecules in the air shift. Numerous times I've asked him to clue me in on what goes on in his life. To live by example, I've included him in the decision process of every crossroad that would impact my life, and in extension, his. I even pointed this out and stated, "I want to know what you're up to."
Instead, he blocked me online and then told me about it. "It saved our relationship," he crowed.
"It was a decision YOU made without my input," I reminded him.
"Yes, but you admitted afterwards it was a good decision."
Even though it was, I still wanted to be part of it. It set my teeth on edge for here was someone who will go ahead and make decisions on my behalf without my input.
Which makes me wonder whether I'm in a relationship. Or with whom. Or whether I'm delusional and this entire relationship is generated by me and he's there for the ride.
Things came to a head the past week or so. He still talked to me on a daily basis on FaceTime, but something was different. It was him. He changed towards me. He had a secret. He made a decision that impacted his life, and by extension, mine. Yet, he didn't want to let me know. He had AMPLE opportunity to let me know, but didn't.
Because he was no longer in the same kind of relationship with me. Another decision he made without discussion. But I knew, yes I knew. In a snap. He spent the entire weekend playing on twitter instead of talking to me. He was done with me, but didn't have the guts to let me know.
I went through hell and back with him for over the past nine months to build a mutually rewarding relationship. I thought it was really worth it for we had M A G I C - something special we never had with anyone else before. An ease and facility that grew with intimacy and shared details of our lives.
Evidently, this isn't the type of relationship he wants.
I went ballistic. I fought him, something he hates. He despises when I stand up for myself. I found early on, something he discovered as well, that I'm NOT confrontational or assertive with him face to face or video chat or phone. I never had this problem with anyone else before. The only time is through text/DMs on twitter when I go ballistic.
Hence, the online blocking.
Since I make very few demands of him, this has only occurred a few times. Still, he treats each demand like major concessions. It took four days in February of intense battle for him to acknowledge I was right about a small topic. It wasn't the topic; it was my assertiveness.
I realize the more assertive I get, the more he withdraws.
So, I'm at a precipice right now. I know what I want. I thought it was with him. At least he should be happy because this is a decision he can make all alone without my input. After all, it takes two to tango.
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PS: He made the decision already. I found out on twitter on his TL that he broke up with me. Quelle shock! Not.