I made a monumental decision today and decided to join the 1 out of every 10 Americans to take anti-depressants. Why? Because I've had it.
Almost every person I know does some form of medication or self-medicates through anti-depressants, pot or alcohol. Shit, I don't do any of this. But I will. The only way to beat things is to join the crowd. Or so I learned.
I've spent a lifetime fighting. Fighting for my rights, for issues, for others. As an example, I spent Y E A R S setting up and spearheading a tenants association to combat my slum landlord in NYC who owned 80 buildings. She fucked me over good.
[When you fuck over a Stone, you've no idea the portals of hell you flung open. Stones always bear a grudge. My specialty is using an elephant gun to swat a fly. I learned well with the last boyfriend and pulverized him, ground him into dust. The motherfucker bragged he knew me. If he did, he should've anticipated my retaliation to his heavy-handed mind-fucking, game playing, domination and punishment and fled to Fiji. I'm merciless.]
Anyhow, back to my story, I went to each of the landlord's buildings and slid flyers underneath each apartment door to notify the tenants involved of their rights and upcoming meetings.
One building, in particular, stunk to high heaven from a decomposing body. That sweetish smell's ingrained in our molecular structure - I knew it the moment I entered that building. I followed the lit candles in the hallway to an arc of candles in front of an apartment door that reeked from rotting flesh. Right then, a woman left her apartment from across the hall.
"Hey," I yelled, "can you please call the cops? There's someone dead inside there."
"Oh," she said, "that's why the place stinks. Been so for a month," closed the door and sauntered out of the building.
In disgust, I left as well and called the cops on a sidewalk pay phone. Yes, this occurred 30 years ago when we had pay phones.
That in itself should've been an indication what I was up against: apathy and self-absorption. Those neighbors would rather smell a decomposing body for a month than do anything outside of lighting aromatic candles.
Ever the toiler, I worked closely with my Assemblyman and organized a tenants association under the umbrella of a larger organization. During that same time - mind you, I did this for FREE and no PROFIT! - I supported around fifteen tenants who were in court with the landlord, winning their cases because of the piggyback effect that I orchestrated. When I held the third meeting which consisted of twenty out of 10,000 tenants, those and other participants staged a coup against me.
"We don't like the way you operate the tenants association. Why do we have to do as you say? We want another President."
My Assemblyman, the head of the larger tenants association and I laughed at these schmucks. I responded, "Have it your way. I'm sure every person present has the wherewithal, hell, the commitment I had going door to door in 80 buildings for years to create this tenants association. But you guys know better. I promise you in one month this tenant's association will be disbanded."
They held a vote and of course elected someone else as President. My prediction was overly optimistic: the tenants association folded in two days because the person they elected was the landlord's cousin.
Even though I succeeded in causing a great dent in the landlord's coffers, extensive enough that she sold 40 buildings in a meh economy, I also got an inkling that fighting for what's right is simply inviting a kick to the head.
Of course, the fucking PollyAnna that I am, I did this repeatedly as a Community Board rep, President of a Co-op Board, community leader and so on and so on.
Yes, I've achieved amazing results, moved mountains one could say. I also did it singlehandedly. For I discovered, late in life, that people would rather wallow in shit than stand up for themselves. Generally speaking. Or maybe, people are smarter than me and wait for a stupid schmuck like me to be the leader. I tirelessly toiled during my free time, spent my own coin and locked antlers with lawyers, politicos, you name it so they reap the rewards and spit at me at the same time, two treats in one. When I turned a bankrupt building around with healthy reserves, improving market value of the co-op sales by 250%, I was attacked by the shareholders and accused of everything under the sun along with the name calling.
You can tell I'm done with helping others out. Fuck that shit. If I make a stand, it's for myself. Besides, I see how the lowest common denominator always wins out.
Mom was right - you can't fight City Hall.
You wanna know why there are rare newspaper/internet/tv stories about good things that people do? It has nothing to do with 'adversity sells': because incidents like this are so fucking RARE it's too much work to cough one or two up daily.
Which is why I want to go on drugs. I'm sickened and disgusted to see things with clarity, things others don't see... because they ARE on drugs. Or perhaps they don't care, knowing there are people like who I used to be that'll fight for them.
Well, I'm done.
I'm sick of fighting for my rights, even for the simplest things.
Like with amazon. Just because indie authors are too chickenshit to confront amazon, I've no support. And amazon stands by their claims even when I produce evidence which is meaningless for who am I vis-a-vis amazon? Of course, amazon does the investigation and tells me their result which is what they told me at the very beginning. WTF? Am I that fucking stupid? I would LOVE to see what an independent audit from an unrelated reputable third party will dredge up.
Don't get me talking about this government, the political climate, the poor education system, the lack of integrity in all facets of this culture and chronic sub-par customer service of products inefficiently made all in the name of profit gouging.
[I'm a capitalist from the point of view of solid good competition towards creating and building newer technology, services, broadening science, etc for better, improved and more productive lifestyles. Insofar as capitalism for raping the consumer, fuck that shit.]
Which is why I should go on drugs. I'll stop eating right and working out. I'll stop writing thought-provoking articles and books. I'll sit on my sofa like a couch potato watching dreadful tv and zombie romance horror movies, eat shit food, masturbate to internet porn and fart up a storm. For that's the American way.
Today, I walked over to the local doctor for a prescription of mind-killing drugs. I had to do the mandatory conversation and lo and behold she said, "Oh, you're depressed."
"DUH!" I shrieked in four octaves. "I didn't need YOU to tell me THIS! Why would I be here unless I'm depressed? Where are the drugs? I want drugs!"
She sniffed. "Oh, you don't need drugs. You need coping skills."
Just my frigging luck to choose the only ethical doctor in America.
I'm home now and whittling shivs from the downed trees due to Hurricane Sandy. That's ANOTHER situation... Another time I'll blog about THIS situation... AFTER I get drugs.
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