Keep Your Secrets to Yourself

Me at 6am Sunday Morning June 2 with Nose Piercing - See the dot?

My girlfriend said, "I hate your hair color. You look like a warden."

"What do you want me to do? I was deep auburn, but now, getting older with some salt and pepper coming out, my hair turns orange. The easiest way is to make it black and I'm done."

Dissatisfied with what I said, my friend went about purchasing product to lighten my hair. Then, her cousin came over. He's a hairdresser.

I was doomed.

These people are nocturnal. I'm not. My friend did the two or was it three step process at 2am. I sat, nodding out, waiting for the bleach to take. She rinsed it out and then they had to do another process. I don't recall that much because all I wanted to do was S L E E P. At one point, they ran out of the house to get more product.

"Get some shut eye while we're gone," suggested my friend.

I was out in a flash. She woke me up and they added something itchy to my hair. It was around 5am when they rinsed, washed, conditioned and style-dried my hair. At 6am my friend added make-up and they took pics of the new me as shown above.

I'm thrilled with what they did. For now I look S E X Y.

I always wanted to look sexy. My entire life I looked like the pretty semitic woman next door. I could never pull off sexy. That's why I dressed conservatively at work, even forgoing make-up for five years. Why bother and look ridiculous?

People always confided in me. My guess is because I'm not threatening looking. I tried to change that in my late 40's when I showed off my chest. My hips. My legs. Still, I looked wholesome. Wholesome enough that people continued to confide in me. Which is why I want to look sexy.

I don't like confidences. It leaves me in the position of hoarding someone else's secrets, never to disclose. Hell, I can't even hold my own to my chest and here I am, indebted to someone else to hold their secrets for perpetuity. What am I, a fucking priest?

Other than a few times when I was younger where I accidentally blurted out something I shouldn't, I've another tactic: I empty my mind of what people tell me. I don't remember who said what and who did what - I've learned early on that it's all bullshit. What I do remember is how someone really doesn't like someone else, yet they're with that person all the time.

Life would be much simpler if they told that person how they really felt instead of knocking at my door in the middle of the night, crying, asking to talk.

Perhaps it's looking wholesome, non-threatening and being self-absorbed that confiding in me is safe. I don't know. I do know, however, that I'm the worst person to confide in because I believe there's some sort of reciprocity going on. I like to call it, "friendship." Sometimes I mistakenly think that people confide in me because they trust me as a friend. I totally forget there's another word, "selfishness," and that's where the person has no intention of listening to me - I only serve one function and one function alone.

When I realize that, I drop the person. That's when things get dicey. Not for me, mind you, for them. They second-guess me and are concerned that I'll spill the beans about what they think and said about someone to someone's face.

As if I would ever bother. Honestly, I don't give a shit.

But to them, this is tantamount. That's when the character assassination begins. Against me. How I'm a {fill in the blanks}. Not about the time spent listening to their shit, consoling them, lending them money I'd never see back, helping them into AA, enrolling their kids into school, letting them crash at my house, feeding them when they drop unannounced at my door.

Now I can see how predictable and trite these people are.

That's why I adore this SEXY new look. With the soft, long, auburn hair, tattoos, pierced nose, big tits, great legs, hell, I'm threatening. I'm now all bada boom bada boom. So no one can come over and tell me their deep innermost secrets and desires. They want to keep far away from me!

I should've done this years ago.

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