Cow & Chicken... and Roo too!

From the timeless classic tv show, COW & CHICKEN

Cow Walking Upright

In my small town, the people with whom I associate are couples, both straight and gay. I never really put much thought into it because I relate to them as people, not as units of two. 

I stopped off at my friend's cafe, the hub of action with the gang. 

I didn't go for my customary 10 mile bike ride because, once again, I've side effects from my medication. I must take medication to help me combat pain from my rare diseases, yet the medication itself is doing a good job killing me off. The first meds gave me acute glaucoma which now require surgery. This round my tinnitus is amplified causing a low-grade headache. I'm not used to headaches. As a matter of fact, I believe I've only had a dozen my entire life.

So, I went for a mini-ride and headed for the cafe. 

Inside, my friends sat around a table, ordering food and animatedly discussing all sorts of topics. I wanted to join, but felt tetchy with the headache and a dollop of nausea. 

And then entered COW WALKING UPRIGHT.

Cow and Chicken Theme Song

As you can imagine, this is a man who, like Kafka's Metamorphosis, woke up as a cow walking upright. I don't want to disparage cows; it's really his mind and his personality offensive and abhorrent to all. But he woke up as a cow and that's pretty much it.

He once had a stellar career which he tossed aside to stalk a young girl. He has an appetite not only for food gouging, but for young girls. That appetite lost him his career, although his career kept him from going to jail. Even though this occurred hundreds of miles away, word spread fast. And good thing, too. For he has approached teen-age girls in the neighborhood who know to run home or dial 9-1-1 should he go near them. 

We call guys like that pedophiles or stalkers, take your pick.

Yesterday, he lumbered over to me, teats and testicles jiggling while I stood at the counter talking to my friend. Interrupting our conversation, he said, "Don't you get the picture? Everyone here is in couples. And then there's you and me."

"So," I said, suspiciously, hoping and praying he wouldn't go for the gambit. My friend rolled her eyes.

"Well, I may be rich again." He's an opportunist and found through one of our friends undergoing a raw deal a way to make money. Some people call it extortion although he claims it's money for services never to be rendered.

"What does that have to do with me?"

"How about going to the movies with me?" he shouted for everyone's entertainment with a snide smile.

"I rather impale myself on a rusty spoon," I said.

He stomped away to the table. "I didn't ask anyone for a date in fifteen years and the first time I'm shot down." 

Luckily, my friends ignored him and continued their conversation.

"Let me clarify," I shouted at his back. "I'd rather have live leeches sucking away on my flesh."

Evidently, he didn't get the message. For, as I left the cafe, he shouted at me, "How about..."

I'm not going to be anyone's beard and certainly not for COW WALKING UPRIGHT.

Cow and Chicken 

I'm still peeved about an earlier incident with Cow Walking Upright. I told him an incident where someone barged into my home to extort money from me.

Instead of disagreeing, CWU said, "You're a liar."

Talk about words of war. Since then, I've been blatantly rude, insulting and dismissive. Even after the other person repaid his debt to me. Still, I don't like being called a liar. 

Each time I made a food purchase at the cafe while he was there, I told the people at the counter, "Add it to CWU's bill." They do.

He really pushes the envelope. I never liked him. I make it a habit to not include pedophiles in my circle of friends. Whether he is or not, he's rather obsessed by young women and stalks them. I'm amazed he hasn't seen jail time. Oh, in my community, the only jail time he'll see is 90 days if he phones someone 30 times in 5 years against a court order of protection. Outside of that, he can stalk young women with impunity.

He's best friends with an equally insipid guy who's a mini-me. Instead, we call him Chicken although he does resemble CWU. I don't believe he underwent a transformation unlike CWU. This is the way he was born. The two of them are inseparable. I insist the two are lovers although how they can find their genitals requires GPS underneath the stomach flaps. 

Today, CWU entered the cafe where I hung out and complained about Chicken. 

"He's been talking about me behind my back all summer, saying bad things," he said.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Oh, that's not him. That's me."

He didn't blink. My girlfriend almost hit the floor in laughter.

I ordered stuff and said to the counter girls, "Add it to CWU's bill."

He got aggravated until the counter girls said, "You know, Chicken always pays Maura's bills." 

With a sigh, he pulled out the 35 cents. 



Kangaroo and Local Politics

Cow Walking Upright is besties with Kangaroo. Rumor has it the two are lovers, but the thought of those poorly maintained and food-abused bodies rubbing together to ejaculate has made people retch.

Kangaroos is a really weird dude/woman. It's vindictive, mean and can really deliver a strong punch with its hind legs. I should know. It really hates me and one day tried to knock my block off. Instead, at the last second, it pulled back and rolled back on its haunches. Since then, our relationship has been anything, but supportive.

We can't determine its sex, but what the hell. In this town, we don't like to ask questions for fear of being called small-minded or haters. As a result, we go with the flow.

Decades ago, Kangaroo escaped from the zoo and landed here. All the farmers, myself included, were rather surprised that a marsupial would choose our neck of the woods as its home. We allowed the Roo latitude in settling down here, knowing it would be a terrific draw for people wanting to visit a freak show near major hubs. For free. In due time, business owners came here as well, willing to capitalize on the fact that we've our very own circus, thanks to the Roo.

But my ties with the Roo have been strained again. Ever since I've been quite vocal about the geese. They only come here during the summer season and flock on land and water. They tend to be aggressive when we boat and swim and always leave turds in their wake when they fly or walk away.

For the record, I never advocated shooting or killing geese - all I want is to stop the pollution and refuse littered all over the place. This incited Kangaroo who yelled at me in its weird buck-toothed lisp, "Feese are my people!!" 

It didn't come as a surprise when I heard that Kangaroo's running for election. Almost everyone in my town runs for election. I wanted to, but the posse at my front door late at night with lit torches convinced me to do so would be counterproductive to my good health.

The Roo's platform is to use the well-paying elected job as a platform to wreak personal vendettas against people, namely me. It has already lined up supporters and has littered the town with paper condemning me for being vocal about geese turds littering the land and waters. Only time will tell what evil and devious revenge plots the Roo has in store for me.

Cow and Chicken Theme Song

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