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What Happens in Town Stays in Town




Since I moved to this remote area full-time, I realized that fact is more strange than fiction. The things that occur in this small town are so fucked up at times that my friends believe I’ve an over-active imagination.

I just can’t wait for this summer! We’ll have a golf cart over-run by Hasidim driving pell-mell 100’ from the municipal parking lot to the four local restaurants. Best of all, the summer residents and tourists, elitists that they are, have no idea that they share space with the local homeless!

I refer to a frequent character who visits my blog posts, M Butterfly {Another M Butterfly story}. His broomstick ran out of gas from his sphincter and he landed here in this beautiful town. He owns the restaurant, The Deathtrap, which caters to the seasonal tourist trade and only open three months a year.

The other nine months and off-hours, The Deathtrap is the residence of the town’s local homeless man, Dogboy {The beginning of this post refers to Dogboy}. Dogboy used to live in his car parked in front of another restaurant. But too many people complained that they got to watch him piss and puke while they eat their $8.99 bagels. So, M Butterfly decided Dogboy would make the perfect guard cat for his restaurant.

What makes this little tale extraordinary is how no one blinks about the fact that a homeless man sleeps in the middle of a restaurant on a banquette feet away from an open bar, locked into the place by M Butterfly. In fact, the local residents warn people NOT to sit on the banquette, “For that’s where the homeless guy sleeps at night.”

Perhaps I’m an elitist, but I find this quite upsetting. I find it more upsetting that local politicos have witnessed this and N O T H I N G has been done. Meaning: the homeless wretch still lives in a restaurant. What makes it worse is that he washes dishes and floors in there and trust me, there aren’t any showers in the bathrooms.

Now, would you pay $40 for a lackluster meal at The Deathtrap knowing you sat where a homeless man sleeps at night?

Then again, would you eat at a restaurant that has the nickname, “The Deathtrap”?

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2 comments:

dogboy said...

Roof! Roof! So nice of you that you find humor in someone elses misfortune. Im a hard worker and stay as clean as I can; unfortunately I have to do any lowpaying job I can to stay alive. You've shown alot of class Maura. Very unlady like. Richie

maura stone said...

Now this is a first!

Tell me, Dogboy or Richie, whomever you are, then my fictional blog is true? Does it mean that you admit that you live in a restaurant right near an open bar? If so, then, can the NY State Board of Health as well as the NY State Liquor Authority use this blog post as an admission of guilt that the owner of the Deathtrap (another fictional establishment) is overtly and blatantly breaking state laws and regulations? It may mean the closure of a fictional establishment and perhaps fines and imprisonment of a fictional character, but hey, what the hell!

I struck a resounding chord in this fictional post. But let me know.

Game on.