Just the Usual

“Hey, Maura. What’s going on?” asked a friend during a recent phone call.

“Not much,” I responded. For who enjoys weird animal tales? Should I regale her with stories about how I literally walk into deer here? Trust me, they’re not Bambi. They’re giant smelly rodents with ticks. Several times I caught them on my deck smoking cigarettes and playing cards.

For years, I complained about them farting underneath my open bedroom windows, asphyxiating me while I slept. In disbelief, people laughed, “Maura, you and your stories,” until the above youtube went viral.

At least I feel vindicated. 

“It’s the usual here,” I said as explanation.

I guess it is usual here. That is, if I consider it usual fighting on a daily basis with a chittering squirrel known for pelting me in the noggin with acorns as well as my cottage roof.

Or dodging flying embers from a friend’s outdoor garbage can fire only to discover later on smoldering hair and sweater.

Or toppling over with vertigo countless times a day each time I move my head up.

Or experimenting with a cheap insulation concept, tacking up mylar blankets on walls and ceiling in my cottage for this winter and explaining it away with, "All that’s missing is my tin foil hat."

Or accidentally setting an aluminum foil pie pan on fire on the stove at another friend’s house. Luckily, my friend was oblivious to the shooting flames until I asked, “Incidentally, where’s the fire extinguisher?”

Or my best story of a typical day:

I was at the local library talking to the librarians when this old, hunchbacked, hairy, walleyed woman slipped in and stood by my side. 

“Any new books coming out?” asked the top librarian.

“Yes. It’s the second edition and unlike anything I wrote before. A compilation of small comedic advice books about online dating and the types of characters who’re online. The first book is Men, eDating and Masturbation.

We tittered at the word, “masturbation.” 

“That one’s a parody of He’s Just Not Into You,” the librarians nodded in recognition of the title, "where guys don’t take women out on dates not because they’re not into the women, but because they’re too busy jacking off.”

We tittered again at “Jacking off.”

Suddenly, the weird woman whirled around and crowed, “I should write a book about masturbation. I’m an expert - I’ve been doing it for years!”

Dryly, I said, “The book’s not about masturbation. It’s about online dating.”

Humiliated, she shrieked, “Fuck you and fuck your fucking books!” and hightailed it out.

The top librarian and I exchanged glances. She shrugged and said, “I guess she misunderstood our conversation.”

And there you have it: eDating the Old School Way!

To Purchase Click Here!

Just the usual, nothing else is new.

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