Cleansed Like a Babe to Face the New Year

And a Happy New Year!

It’s another new year! I’m rather surprised I’m still around and haven’t been shot, abducted by space aliens or worse, muzzled by the powers that be on local and federal levels.

Last night, my friend and I decided to get rid of 2014 by cavorting naked at a chic Korean spa. You know the saying, something about coming into the new year cleansed. I thought this was the most original way to spend New Year’s Eve.

As we drove up to the entrance, we were astounded to see packs of people milling around, waiting in line to enter the spa.

The parking valet knocked on the window. My girlfriend asked, “Say, is this place packed?”

“Not at all,” he reassured us.

Twenty minutes later, we wound our way through the throngs of people to the front desk. Something told me my original idea wasn’t all that original.

After showering, surviving the steam room and then the baths of boiling and freezing waters, my friend turned to me and said, “This is a man’s erotic dream come true.”

Around us were hordes of naked women in various shapes washing, being washed, massaged, steaming and bathing. She had a point.

Almost three hours later it was our turn for full-body exfoliation. By that time, after numerous showers, steaming, bathing, our skin was ready to fall off. Indeed it did as it was scraped with special sponges. Half an hour later, we were ready to go. I had no inclination to wander around the spa’s compound, exhausted by the pummeling I withstood.

While waiting for the valet to pick up the car parked 15 feet away, I noticed three Hasidic men tossing their cigarettes into the street before entering the spa. Again, my so-called original thought seems to be quite de riguer for all.

Back at the ranch, while we dressed up for the final hurrah to say good-bye to the excruciatingly horrible 2014, my friend looked at the spa’s website.

“Get this - they have a tranquility room!” she exclaimed.

“They also have a sleep room,” I said. Then, facetiously I added, “As well as a movie room, bowling alley, roller rink-”

She cut me off. “They DO have a movie room! Do you realize there are 10 stories of things going on there and we spent hours in one small room?”

At that point, I didn’t care. “The next time.” Of that, I’m sure.

Which leads me to the topic at hand. While I was out, having new life experiences to bring in the New Year, enjoying myself fully, laughing with strangers and my best friend, some cowardly creep posted an anonymous hate message to this blog in response to my prior post.

Since I moderate all messages, it wasn’t posted. Actually, in three years of blogging, I only received three hate posts, all from the same anonymous weirdo. Yet, after reading it, I felt bad. Real bad. Not for what was written; I felt bad that during New Year’s Eve, while I had a terrific time out with people, laughing, bathing, etc., this poor troll spent the night reading my blog posts. No doubt all alone. Angry. Isolated. Socially inept. More than likely feeling self-loathing.

Now, I adore when people read my posts with enjoyment. Yet, to hate me and still read my posts on New Year’s Eve? I could think of thousands of things to do other than celebrate a new year reading posts from someone I despise. Or even spending the special evening thinking of me when my thoughts are of the future and new and exciting projects I intend to develop in the upcoming months.

Which reminds me of a scene from Howard Stern’s movie, Private Parts:

Researcher: The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes. 
Pig Vomit: How can that be? 
Researcher: Answer most commonly given? "I want to see what he'll say next." 
Pig Vomit: Okay, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern? 
Researcher: Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day. 
Pig Vomit: But... if they hate him, why do they listen? 
Researcher: Most common answer? "I want to see what he'll say next." 

Happy 2015!

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Larry P said...

Have a wonderful Year of writing things I like to read. Much Love.

maura stone said...

Considering we’re complete polar opposites in our political outlook, what you wrote means a lot to me. Love you always.