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Falling Between the Cracks/Blurred Lines




Middle-aged kvetch no longer carries the stigma it once held. Or perhaps I no longer fall within that category. Hell, my books slip between labels, e.g., eDating the Old School Way - is it comedy, satire, risqué dating advice or a combo of all three? The same problem with Cheri Blossum’s Secrets & Seduction: is it porn, comedy or erotic satire?

While pondering these concepts, I went to see my primary care doctor.

“So how’s your mental state of mind?” she asked, a common enough introductory question after the perfunctory ones about my physical health.

“I’m rather depressed about what occurred in Paris -”

She cut me off. “Yeah, what was that about? I don’t watch the news because it’s so depressing. Weren’t there Jews killed?”

I must stop right now and point out that my internist is a pretty African-American doctor. We get along very well and she likes talking to me. I felt compelled to explain the political situation in Europe with jihadists, their prophet Mohammed, cartoonists and Charlie Hebdo until I realized her eyes glazed over and she no longer listened to me. For she truly wasn’t interested.

That didn’t help my mental state at all.

Once I returned home, I went on my Facebook page to see what everyone else is up to. The people who I friend on Facebook are cross-sections of America in race, age, sex, sexual preferences,  marital status (with and without children), religion (yes, I do have Muslim friends) and political outlook. It makes life interesting when strangers bash each other over my snarky political statement posts, making assumptions about each other that’s so far from reality I get a really good laugh.

Some people I do know in real life, others are either fans of my books or people who share similar points of view and introduced to me through my snarky comments on WSJ.com, nypost.com and other online magazines.

Which brings me to the topic at hand. Some fellow who has been a FB ‘friend’ for three years suddenly sent me this private message:

Maura are you single? You look very beautiful--Can you send me an exciting photo of you for my friends folder?

I’m supposed to be flattered by this???? Needless to say, the back of my head blew up. I’m only on FB for the following reasons:

(1) A voyeuristic tendency to see what other people do in their spare time;
(2) News beyond my scope through links; and
(3) Promotional vehicle for my books, this blog and my articles.

Just because this putz finds my photos attractive doesn’t mean that I’m interested in him, a married older man. I held myself back and wrote this quite diplomatic response:

You just invoked the wrath of Maura. First off, my being single or not is of no concern to you. Secondly, why in the world should I send you an ‘exciting’ photo? WTF? I just hope you’re hacked for this is truly an unacceptable message. Third, if you ever purchased any of my books or read my blog you would NEVER ever have even thought of contacting me like this.


Hell, the cheapskate didn’t even bother to buy my books, for if he did, he’d know I’m onto him! Besides, I wrote the BOOK:




That’s why I’m NOT on social media to meet men, as per this excerpt:


ADULT MOTHERLY ADVICE: You don’t have to rely any longer on costly edating and relationship sites to find plenty of titillating and vulnerable women receptive to your masturbatory talent. Apply a little creativity. With no capital investment, the cyber world becomes your jack off oyster. The only requirement is to study the topic of the particular site you target and you’ll achieve an amazing payoff. Recommended sites: twitter, Facebook, book reading/reviews, music, politics and finance. Not only that, new software apps are created daily where you flick your way to women ready for you—eager, willing and wet. You can always rely on the Bubbameistah to steer you towards nihilism.    


Unless, of course, they buy countless copies of my novels.

It took him 0.6 seconds to block me, a new record.

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1 comment:

CF Winn said...

Oh Maura. You and the Bubbameistah...offing them one pervert at a time...if only that was the type of terrorism the world had to deal with, you'd be a superhero. Loved the post!