Spring Rituals

Annual Spring Satanic Ritual

Despite snow in late April, rumor has it that spring is around the corner.

Just like prosperity.

Nevertheless, I have annual rituals to celebrate our three days of spring before the weather changes to scorching hot summer:

1.  Removal of coat

This entails a sharp short knife and a friend whom I never wronged. Hence, the long search and longevity of being encased in the coat.

2.  Shaving of legs, armpits and other parts...

Body hair ensures warmth, especially where I live and the conditions under which I live. Unless the guy’s a metrosexual, he won’t notice that I braided my pubes and armpit hair into cornrows; most fellows are simply thrilled to get laid. And then the freedom to leave right after.

3.  Taking down my creative and cheap efforts at keeping the cottage warm

In addition to placing pink bubble wrap on all windows, plastic wrap on top, weatherproofing around doors and bathroom window, I added my good friend, mylar blankets to the mix. I’ve mylar taped to the walls, ceiling, on top of my curtains and blankets hung in doorways. Something tells me it’s gonna be a bitch to remove.

And, to make the neighbors thrilled, I remove the bright blue erratically cut rigid foam insulation  boards that I placed around the baseboard of the cottage. I hide it until the following fall.

4.  Putting away the winter stuff

Going through my closet, I realized I wore the same three outfits for six months. It may have something to do with putting on massive weight this winter.  Even after shaving, I only lost 3oz although I did clog the drain. I attribute the uptick due to my medication to combat pain from hyperacusis, a rare neurological aural disease and vertigo.

Since I’m honest here, it has more to do with eating than anything else.

For once in my life, I’m not worried about weight gain. And that has me worried more than anything else.

5.  Screaming at the wildlife

Deer keep their distance during winter as do squirrels, woodchuck and birds. However, I learned the hard way that spring’s on the horizon when skunks burrow their way under my cottage. That’s when I did a little research and found that scented dryer softener sheets drive them away. And field mice as well.

The onset of spring means that grackles communicate at dawn, squirrels jump on my roof and deer hang out under my open bedroom window to pass wind. Spring is also spider season, a whole other ball of wax.

6.  Launching the boat

I have an old wooden boat that some say is a collectible. That’s a polite way of saying that the damn thing is a pain in the ass. Each year, it gets more and more difficult to launch. That’s because I hired almost everyone in a 100 mile radius at least once over the years. Even though it takes 14 minutes to launch, they’re the longest 14 minutes most of these people ever spent. I don’t want to delve into detail with what goes on, but let’s say that asking a friend to help means the friendship is doomed.

7.  Prepping for cidiots (city idiots)

I live in a resort town and spring is when cidiots with their second homes get them ready for the summer season. I’m a former cidiot (some say I still am one) who converted to local. It took only one change in season to understand how the locals feel: put up with them for three months, get as much money as you can from them and then curse them out the remaining nine months.

Three months of the year the beautiful peace and quiet shatters from shouting, shrieking, honking, fireworks, speedboats 24/7, loud music and traffic jams. All of which isn’t as bad as their ATTITUDE. Since I’m now deemed a local by cidiots, my brains oozed out of my ears and overnight, I lost teeth and fingers. Of course, the weight gain and my tattoos and nose ring don’t help matters any.

In other words, I’m now in the mindset to celebrate warm weather and look forward once again to winter.

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