Don't Use my Email Addy for Your Personal Agenda!!!!

Don't get me wrong: I love receiving emails. What I don't love, though, is when the sender publicly displays people's email addys when doing large emailings or mailings to a group of unrelated people. You'd think they'd know how to use the bcc function. To me, it signifies blatant disrespect because there's no regard to privacy.

This hasn't happened to me in years. Since then, there was a slippage several months ago where the sender accidentally did not bcc the recipients. However, I met all the people on the list so I didn't make a fuss. And she never did it again.

Some woman who was on that list, not even a friend or an acquaintance, recently sent a mass email about some nonsense occurring in her life that she couldn't wait to advertise on youtube. Without my permission, she stole my email addy from that slippage event and used it for her own venal purposes. I never never never would've given this lunatic access to me or allowed her to let strangers access to me. I let her slide the first time, considering it was a one-off. But, today, when I got that public email, I went ballistic.

It's not nice to fuck with the Bubbameistah.

The Fun Nevah Ends - Epilogue from Lavalife

Well, my dear friend, Zodin from lavalife grew a pair of balls! He decided to permanently delete my account because I had the AUDACITY to solicit my ebook, Men, eDating and Mast*****ion as a response to their paying clients who solicit me for sex. How dare I!

The final chapter... or is it?

Hi there,
We have reviewed your account and verified that you have not adhered to the "Terms of Use" agreement. Therefore, your account cannot be re-instated.
If you would like to see the "Terms of Use", it is located at the bottom of your homepage when you log in to your account.
Thank you for your interest in Lavalife.
Lavalife e-Care Team

This is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Banned from lavalife... REDUX!

Okay, here we go AGAIN with the insanity that constitutes lavalife customer service.

To recap my prior blog, my account was deleted (now I see 'temporarily suspended') because I had the audacity to send inappropriate messages on lavalife. Inappropriate! My inappropriate messages were to solicit my ebook, Men, eDating and Mast*****ion in response to pornography generously donated from the fine, upstanding men who PAY for lavalife services (as opposed to leeches like myself who only go online for free).

OMG - if lavalife defines "Read Men, eDating and Mast*****ion" as inappropriate as opposed to "Baby, let me fuck your ass; sit on my face sweetie; let me cum down your throat," then these people are just FUCKING INSANE!!!!

So, here's the email exchange. You see - I didn't make this shit up!!!

Please scroll down to the bottom to start. Happy reading! And welcome to Wonderland.

Hi there Zodin -

You gotta be kidding me! Inappropriate? What, to respond to a man telling me how he wants to fuck me up the ass with "How about reading Men, eDating and Mast*****ion?"? 

Please define "inappropriate" & don't tell me that what I wrote is solicitation. We all know has the largest number of online escorts. So don't give me that crap.

I want to know why someone who writes how he wants to fuck me up the ass, tie me up & shove his cock down my throat, is not inappropriate conversation. I didn't ask for these IMs, I did not request pornography or deserve to read this. And, let's not talk about those penis pics! Is it because they PAY for the benefit to write that shit as opposed to me, a free user?

Inquiring minds need to know!

Hi there,

Thank you for writing to us about the status of your Lavalife account. We understand your concern regarding this issue.

We reviewed your account and can tell you that it was temporarily suspended because you had sent inappropriate messages to other users. Please note that this kind of solicitation is not tolerated on our web site. However, if you agree to abide by our rules, we will be happy to reinstate your membership.

We hope this email has been of help to you. Please let us know if there is anything else we can help you with.

Thank you for choosing Lavalife.


Lavalife e-care Team

--Original Message--
Date: 4/17/2012 2:33:04 PM
Subject: I have a question about My Account Settings

Email address:
Free/Full user: Free User
If the member was logged in (yes/no): no
Product based on URL: Lavalife
Locale: en_CA
Their message:

My account was deleted? Could it be that I couldn't take any more guys asking me to suck or blow them or fuck me hard up my ass? Or offer to video chat so I can watch them masturbate? Such a high-caliber site. But I thank you lava life - you gave me so much data through the scum sucking pigs you have as clientele that I wrote 5 ebooks about you!!! 

# # #

This is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Why I Was Banned from lavalife. Again!

I couldn't wait to write this! I LOVE! It's chock-filled with deviants, perverts, scammers and lonely married men, perfect source material for my comedy ebook series,  eDating Advice from the Bubbameistah. I got the idea for the first ebook, Men, eDating and Mast*****ion due to persistent and chronic requests from potbellied middle-aged men to watch them pull the 2" pud on webcam.

Anyhow, imagine my surprise eight years ago when I couldn't access my account! I contacted lavalife customer service who informed me that my account was suspended because too many of their highfaluting patrons complained about me.

"Too many complaints?" I repeated.

Yes. Their clients didn't like the fact that I corrected their spelling, grammar and punctuation.

I said, "Wait a minute. You suspended my account because I CORRECTED spelling, grammar and punctuation which OFFENDED these guys? What about what they wrote me: Let me fuck your pussy. I wanna suck your butthole. Watch me jack off to you, baby! Isn't that offensive?"

Get this! Lavalife customer service stated, "There's nothing wrong with what they wrote. Freedom of speech."

I told them, "In the same vein, fuckers, I have the same rights."

Surprisingly, they reinstated my membership with the caveat I no longer correct anyone's grammar, punctuation or spelling. It hurt me, I chafed, but I refrained.

For eight years I paid the steep price of playing on lavalife. All in the name of research! I've seen thousands of penis and masturbation pics, enough to melt my retina. What makes it even more disturbing are not the bad bodies and/or mutant penises, it's the PRIDE that these men have in showing off what should never see light!  (All this is addressed in ebook #3 of eDating Advice from the Bubbameistah series.)

My lavalife account is now a marketing/promotional tool for Men, eDating and Mast*****ion. In my profile, I was very clear that the account was solely to market my ebooks. Even so, very few men read the profile. And I'm constantly contacted for virtual sex. I typically respond with a promo for my ebook and the link.

This afternoon I tried to log in and received notification that my account was deleted. More than likely a few offended souls didn't like the fact that I promoted Men, eDating and Mast*****ion. I guess I should've allowed them to write pornography rife with grammatical and spelling errors. Or perhaps watched a beer-bellied no-necked mongrel masturbate and ejaculate on top of his desk.

I just sent an email to lavalife and will let you know what happens!

# # #

This is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Good-bye City Life!

Two years ago I decided to move to a rural agricultural community. In other words, I moved back home. I had no choice; I lost my job and no longer able to live in New York City. From the onset, I'd face culture shock living in the wilderness far away from friends, a social life and easily accessible sushi. Yet, I rationalized, it wouldn't be all that bad; my boyfriend would visit on weekends.

You may be inquiring, why didn't I move in with him? Ha! We already had lived together for a year. And while I enjoyed having someone around, his constant, "What're you doing?" drove me up the walls. There were many other reasons, e.g., the huge age gap between us, his inability to coin a cohesive sentence and the general mayhem he brought to the table. But I digress.

The day of the move, at the end of April, he packed a UHaul truck with selected prized possessions I couldn't live without: computers, clothing, bric-a-brac, and boxes of stuff. The rest I had moved into a storage bin to contend with later. After 2 1/2 hours of driving, we arrived at the homestead, a tiny cabin, partially winterized, built on top of pillars. He spent the afternoon unpacking the truck whereas I hooked up the water and turned on the electricity. That evening, to commemorate the first day of my new life, he built a bonfire near the house and we danced in front of the flames.

The following day was a scorcher. "Put on shorts," I recommended. I put on a swimsuit and proceeded to empty the cartons and arrange my stuff throughout the already cluttered cabin.

"What should I do?" he asked.

"Go outside and enjoy the beautiful country weather," I said. "Count the deer."

Bored, he kept entering the house, asking, "What're you doing?"

Standing amid half-opened boxes, I yelled at him, "What do you think I'm doing? Grab a book, take a chair and just sit outside and breathe in fresh air!"

After several more episodes of this nature, he finally burst into the living room, "Say, can I have a bonfire?"

"It's 2 in the afternoon!" I yelled in exasperation. "What're you, an arsonist?"

His face fell.

"Ok, but keep it small. I want to have wood for a fire later tonight." In glee, he ran out. "Turn on the water hose and keep the fire extinguisher nearby!" I shouted after him.

While rummaging through the cartons, I received a call from my girlfriend. "How's the move?" We kibitzed for a while until I noticed the silence.

"Hmm, I wonder what Eddie's up to? He hasn't bothered me in a while. More than likely, he's setting fire to the house." Upon the utterance of those words, I saw a lick of flame burning the kitchen window from outside. "Oh my God!" I shrieked and ran outside.

Eddie had his back to the house staring at a small fire in the pit.

I peered underneath the house. "Eddie, the house is on fire!"

"What?" he said. He turned and knelt beside me. We watched flames spreading under the kitchen.

"Grab the hose!"

With one hand he picked up the hose, turned it on and with the other, snatched the fire extinguisher. Lying on his belly, he alternately shot water and extinguisher. After a few minutes, he bellowed, "It's not going out! Dial 9-1-1!"

I picked up the cell phone, dialed and introduced myself. "Hi. I'm Maura and I live at.... Kindly send a fire truck or two at your earliest inconvenience as my house is on fire."

Behind me, I heard him sobbing, "How did this happen?"

Moments later, the alarm sounded for the volunteer fire department. It only took a minute before I saw five fire trucks. What an amazing response! Faster than the City and I live out of the way. Unfortunately, they drove past my house. Once, twice, thrice.

Eddie yelled, "Why aren't they stopping?"

I ran to the road and jumped up and down the fourth time they sped past me. The fifth time, though worked like a charm. They stopped and I said to the driver, "Customarily, when I jump up and down in this swimsuit traffic stops."

"We couldn't see you from this high up."

"Didn't you get the address from 9-1-1?" I inquired.

"Yes, but we followed the smoke trail."

By the time they got to my front door, Eddie appeared. "I got it out."

"Let me be the judge of that," said the fire chief. He and his men thoroughly examined my house. "Good work," he said to Eddie, "you burnt out her electrical wires, melted her pipes and charred the shit outta her floors." The entire back of the house was blackened from the flames. The chief turned off the water and electrical access.

"What were you thinking?" asked the chief, "this is a no-fire zone."

I exchanged looks with Eddie. "I didn't know. I moved up here yesterday."

"It's a felony," he informed me. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Eddie doing the moon walk. "But since you were prepared with hose and extinguisher..."

At this point, thirty bored firefighters stood on my lawn. As well as neighbors and rubberneckers who drove over after listening to the radio bulletins. This was big news for the community. Live action, better than tv!

He continued, "Well, it was an accident. More than likely an ember flew away and ignited all the leaves under your house. Considering the dryness, you got away scot-free." He hesitated, "I knew your family and for now, I'll give you a free pass. No more bonfires."

I sighed in relief. "Listen, since all your people are here, why don't they practice with the equipment?" Just for my benefit they shot a few rounds of water at the house.

That night, I said to Eddie, "Listen, we're going to have to go out for dinner. There's no electricity or water in the kitchen."

"I don't wanna go. Everyone will laugh at me," he said, sullen and withdrawn.

Astounded, I said, "They don't know you!" And thought, "If they did, they'll definitely laugh!"

The moment we set foot inside a local restaurant, a waitress approached us, someone I never met before. "Eddie, why did you set fire to Maura's house?"

Evidently, everyone in town and surrounding villages heard about that afternoon event. Nothing like country living! The evening went downhill from there.

And thus began my new life in the country.

PS: I had to break up with him. He did set my house on fire.

# # #

Okay, I lied. I didn't KISS. Until the next time...

This is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Things must be bad... I'm blogging!

For the past few years I've avoided the inevitable... blogging. I've lots to say, but prefer to keep what I have to say among a select few due to an innate fear of tar and feathers. Or chased down alleys with scads of people in tow holding torches, chanting 'juden'. Or receiving dirty text messages with international area codes where I can't respond back.

I suffer from a genetic trait from my mother's side (along with selective hearing, selective memory, showgirl legs and a keen sense of smell), notably the lack of an internal filter. That's why I prefer to say things among a select few. Although no one's immune at the supermarket, bakery and gas station. They all know about my life: the books, interviews and strange men who haunt me. Come to think of it, I can really clear out a room in five seconds flat. Now, that's a talent!

So, I decided to KISS in this blog. More than likely will revisit soon and vent, spleen or disclose stuff that will only make me cringe in retrospect.

# # #

This is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.